Brett's Blog: 6 Steps to Stop Being Manipulated
March 8, 2009 | by Brett Blumenthal | 26 Comments
by Brett Blumenthal
Throughout life, there are times when we may come across an individual or a situation where a person is very dominant, controlling and possibly even manipulative. Sometimes it is a boss who doesn’t allow us to voice our opinions. Sometimes it is a family member who is very demanding and finds ways to get us to manipulate us into doing what they want. And sometimes, it may be a friend who is very pushy and demands that others do things their way, on their time schedule, forgetting that those around them are affected in the process.
This can frustrate us, making us feel stifled, and worst of all, powerless. And although it may come to a head only once in awhile, if we are in a relationship or friendship where this happens on a frequent basis, it can take a toll, and we can lose our sense of worth and even worse, sense of self. It can be debilitating. The only way we can avoid these feelings is to take the power back, and empower ourselves.
Let’s take an illustrative example of a friend who is perpetually late. You find it irritating and inconsiderate. Moreover, you resent the fact that her perpetual lateness causes you to be late as well. With this example in mind, here are six steps to empower yourself out of her control:
- Take Charge of Your Life: The only person who can really control your life is you. Start acknowledging how you feel about these situations. Start making decisions for yourself and prioritizing what is important to you. Example: Admit that your friend’s lateness bothers you. Think about the ideal situation and how you would like it to play out. Picture it in your mind.
- Set Goals: Setting goals allows us to stay true to what is important to us. Goals can be big or small. Whatever the case, create goals that are important to you and don’t let anyone else hurt your chances of reaching them. Example: If there is an event or function that you want to be on time for, set a goal that you will be on time no matter what.
- State Your Opinion/Thought/Preference: Once you have a goal in mind, state it out loud. State it to yourself and to the other person so they know where you stand. Be clear in voicing your expectation, and don’t leave anything up to the imagination by assuming the person understands what you want. Example: State to the individual who is always late that it is very important to you that you are on time for the event. Let them know you are willing to go without them if they aren’t ready in time.
- Stand Your Ground: Wishywashiness isn’t going to help you in these situations. Don’t back down from what you believe, feel or want. Stand your ground and follow through with your plan to ensure your goal is met. Example: If the other person is late, leave without them. If you don’t, they will continue to assume that it is okay to push their schedule on you.
- Stop Relying on Others for Approval: Part of what allows us to be ruled by others is that we want their approval. The reality is, if you respect yourself and stand up for what you want, then others will start respecting you more for it. Example: If after you leave and the other person gets upset. Make it clear that you informed them you would leave without them. Don’t apologize. You did what was important to you and you stayed true to yourself.
- Let go: There will be times when these steps aren’t always possible. You might just find that a relationship is repetitively one-sided in consideration. Instead of getting upset, let go. Realize that the person isn’t going to change and that you have the power to not let it bother you. Find ways to ensure that you take care of yourself. Example: If the person continues to be late for everything, stay true to your priority and start going alone and stop caring. Let go of the feelings and just accept them for who they are and start empowering yourself to be the on-time person you want to be.
Empowering yourself is important. Waiting for others to empower you gets you nowhere. Have you had a relationship where you felt you had no power? What did you do to address the situation?
Related Topics:
- Dealing with Bullies
- Thank God I wasn’t ‘That Person’
- Rumble in the Cubicle Jungle – Dealing with Conflict in the Workplace
- The Price of Not Saying ‘No’
Alina
Hi, need your advice…
Thanks for this article, now I realized that my boyfriend is a manipulator, alwyas for himself. He forget all special occasion, he never give even one flower, but always ask me some help and I always give him gift, even gift for his relatives. And I feel, he would not change. It’s hard to leave someone that you love unconditionally. But it’s disappointing.
Thanks–Alina
Brett Blumenthal
Alina, I’m sorry that you are unhappy. The best thing to do is to try to take a step back and think about your future. Are you going to be happy in this relationship in the long term? Will you always feel unhappy? Further, if you have verbalized this to your boyfriend? If so, and he still doesn’t care, that seems like a bad sign.
Jen
I just finished reading the 8 Toxic personalities to avoid and saw a link to this article. Well, to start off I just came back from getting married (destination wedding) and my mouth dropped when I read the first one. My now mother in-law was about 5 out of the 8 but mostly the Manipulative Mary. She seriously tried to ruin my time before the wedding, the wedding and after! Even after all her attempts, I kept quiet and played nice. I didn’t realize what she was doing until I read the article. OMG now I know! I seriously felt drained and that I really didn’t get to fully enjoy my time there. I actually cried when I got home thinking that maybe the time went by to fast. Now I see it was her, draining the joy out of everything, being manipulative and judgmental. After reading this I’m diffidently staying away from her. I mean I thought it was me and that I was crazy, but then my parents noticed it and said something when I arrived back home. I never met anyone so toxic!
Mrs. P.
It’s nice to read others notes; I get a better perspective on my own situation with my family. They’ve stayed away from me because I wanted to be cheer them in their lives, you know, be that positive uplifting family member (and goofily quote movies we’ve seen) where everything is okay and life just happens. But I’m too happy, too energetic, too dreamy, wanting to do activities that are cheap and we could all do. Naw, Ma, Pa, Bro say no. Bro is a black hole, no matter how much communication I throw his way he does not respond. We are artists like Ma so that’s got to be where his solitariness stems from. Ma is a good superficial conversation laughter type person, fun for a bit and then we part until the next time: we don’t take our relationship seriously but acknowledge it with gusto! Pa is just so quiet, he can only handle my giddiness to a point then it’s time for me to go home. Boy am I glad I read this stuff because I can see I’ve been after my bro’s respect or a nod of acknowledgement in my direction, for over a decade. . time to slap myself or dunk the mind to “live & let die” (relationship speaking) the ones who aren’t compatible, even if we are related. Such is life. Been there done that don’t wanna go back. I know how you feel I felt the same way & this is what I found out: cry a river build a bridge & get over it. Dunk the mind! It needs refreshing. You you you can doooo it. You are you’re own best friend, and your worst clothes critic but that’s beside the point. Thank you.
mario
I don´t speak English, but I translated this articles. Very good
Thank you very much.
mel
I’m into this situation for the longest time, my husband wants me to yield on him always, but i oftentimes fight him over such situation.He and his family have such dominant attitude/character.I’ve been wanting to get out of this relationship, but my problem is the negative effects on my kids. Everytime i would confront him for some mistakes he committed, or other issues about us he’ll always shout at me, w/c i really don’t like, he won’t and never ever accept his mistakes..he always make nonsense justification just so to show to me, he never get wronged..I am a person who would not talk or say anything if somebody is shouting/yelling at me.