Brett's Blog: Madlyn Primoff: When has it become wrong to discipline your child?
April 23, 2009 | by Brett Blumenthal | 9 Comments
This week, a mother of two daughters, 10 and 12, was arrested for allegedly abandoning her children in the business district of Scarsdale, 3 miles away from their home. After the two daughters were bickering in the back seat, Madlyn Primoff had enough. She pulled over and told the girls to get out of the car, and proceeded to drive away. The 12 year old caught up with the mother, but the 10 year old was left alone. A successful attorney, Madlyn is now confronted with authorities and the public questioning her parenting skills.
Growing up, I remember hearing stories of friends of my parents who were left as kids…and I mean KIDS in and around the same age as these two children…on the side of a road, miles away from their home town, with no money, so that they could ‘find their way home.’ These stories were described as a ‘growing and learning experience.’ An experience to instill ’self-confidence’. Many of these individuals turned out to be well-adjusted, happy, self-confident people.
Unfortunately, today, this idea seems especially disturbing because we have witnessed numerous child abductions, kidnappings, killings and rapes. So, you could say, we are in different times. At the same time, however, part of me wants to say ‘What gives?’ I’m not a parent and if I were in the same position as Ms. Primoff, I am not sure how differently I would have handled the situation. But this story begs the question, when did disciplining children become a crime?
It is not surprising to me that so many children are disrespectful to their parents and to their elders. Parents are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. G_d for bid a child act out in public. If they don’t discipline the child, they risk embarrassment and judgment from surrounding observers who think they are weak and lack the ability to control their child. Further, the child learns that this behavior is okay, which can manifest itself as bigger problems down the line. If they do take action and swat the child on the backside or give the child a strong ‘talking to’, they risk being judged as abusive and inappropriate. Decades ago, it was perfectly acceptable for a parent to discipline their children (not violently, I’m talking a little hit on the rear end). But not today.
There is no judgment here, on either side. I feel for Ms. Primoff. I also feel for the 10 year old girl. But I’d like to know your thoughts. Was Ms. Primoff so wrong? How would you handle the situation?
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This is frightening! Abandonment is not discipline. It has never been wrong to discipline your child, it is your responsibility. Dropping your 2 young girls, 3 miles from home is the height of irresponsible, parental behavior. Even with a huge amount of frustration a parent could pull over, lay down the law, separate the girls, set boundaries, call for quiet time during the drive and/or take away privileges if the fighting continues. I am a mother of four, 10, 9, 4, and 2. I agree this women needs serious help.
I feel sometimes, parent allow their children to act out at home and do not disclipence them. They will sure to act out when out of the house. This have to be dealth with at home and they will not act out in public. I raised 3 girls and 1 boy. They are all grow-up now, but I took care of what ever I needed before we left the house, they need what would happen when we retrurned. They turned out wonderful. I would maybe go to jail today. But God know, I did the best I knew how.
What I’m actually thinking is that her parenting skills are not up to snuff. I think there is bad parenting everywhere, whether in Argentina or in White Plains, geography is the least of it.
Meteing out such extreme punishment as Ms. Primoff’s, which is essentially abandonment, causes mental trauma at an early age which can be carried through the rest of these girls’ lives. I suspect that their bad behavior in the car has something to do with her bad parenting skills. I am not against her getting called out publicly for her poor parenting and suffering the consequences for abandoning her kids in the middle of the road. She had bad judgement. This is not acceptable behavior for an adult and a parent and I am personally hopeful that this sends a message to other abusive parents – mental abuse is also abuse.
There is a major line and a major difference between appropriate and inappropriate punishments. That line and that difference is crossed when a child is endangered by the punishment. There is absolutely no question that leaving a child or even an adult alone on the road, with no communication and no resources, even a short distance from home, is dangerous.
There is another issue that I consider when I look at the Mom’s photo. Menopause. Mom is in that age range and I know from my own and others experience how hormones can screw up your thinking, judgement and reactions. Its time for Mom to have a thorough evaluation, physically, psychologically and emotionally. Something more than children in the car brought her to this inappropriate action. And, it should never happen again.
I am 63 the mother/Granmother and Great grandmother of several,when my 4year old mixed my make up perfume, & nail polish and used it to finger paint my bed room, I bagged all of her toys- She asked me what I was doing with HER things I said”takeing them like you took mine.” After three days she asked if I was through playing with her toys,I asked why and she said none of her friends would come play because she had no toys.Not only did she learn to respect my things but she also told other children that we don’t go in my momma’s room unless we ask. My teenagers learned how lying hurts-they found that Mother’s can lie too.”Yes dear I will drive you to the skating rink to be with your friends Saturday.”
Saturday comes and OOPS SORRY I LIED.
We bring children into this world,we are responsible to teach them the world does NOT revolve around them ,They have to earn their own respect and rights. You don’t make children afraid of you- you teach them to fear the consequenc of their own actions when they break the rules or make bad decisions.
We have to follow through with what we say we will do otherwise we are only lying to them and makeing ourselves untrustworthy,not beleaveable,
and teaching them by example that we don’t beleave in honor.Life and lessons are way more simple then we want to beleave.
Children today are getting pregnant as young teenagers. They are drug abusers, alcoholics. They are just plain rude, there is so much to say about children today and why??? Because kids do not fear their parents!! No you should not abuse your child but there needs to be some dicipline! I would not have left my children on the side of the road but you can best believe they would have been punished the second they got in the door!!!
Flo/Reed, I couldn’t agree with you more. The more I think about this, the more I believe she should just be left alone.
I was just totally amazed when I read that news article: how in the world can this woman be treated like a abusive parent? Come on, you have to give hear a break here.
In the past 20 years, parents have been pointed out for disciplining too much. The result: a whole generation of young adults and teenagers who just can’t cope with the real world, its codes and constraints, its unfairness.
Today parents are told that loving your children is not enough, you need to educate them. Which in my view is true. And educating goes with disciplin and learning the consequences of passing the limits.
While I might not have left the girls on the road, I would have stopped the car and distributed appropriate punishments to be carried on when arriving home. And if they were only the 2 girls at the back, I would have seperated them and sat one in front.
Before judging this woman harshly, one should live through those situations. You would be surprised by your own reactions. A few weeks ago I gave my 2 year old daughter her very first hit on the rear-end. The guilt I felt right after! But my hand just flew off. Does that make me such a bad mother?
Let her gooooooo!
Seriously, though, you should come to Argentina sometime. The kids here are all really poorly behaved. It’s amazing. And the parents never do a damn thing about it. It’s expected that all kids up to age 12 are just a-holes or something.