Brett's Blog: 6 Steps to Stop Being Manipulated
March 8, 2009 | by Brett Blumenthal | 44 Comments
by Brett Blumenthal
Throughout life, there are times when we may come across an individual or a situation where a person is very dominant, controlling and possibly even manipulative. Sometimes it is a boss who doesn’t allow us to voice our opinions. Sometimes it is a family member who is very demanding and finds ways to get us to manipulate us into doing what they want. And sometimes, it may be a friend who is very pushy and demands that others do things their way, on their time schedule, forgetting that those around them are affected in the process.
This can frustrate us, making us feel stifled, and worst of all, powerless. And although it may come to a head only once in awhile, if we are in a relationship or friendship where this happens on a frequent basis, it can take a toll, and we can lose our sense of worth and even worse, sense of self. It can be debilitating. The only way we can avoid these feelings is to take the power back, and empower ourselves.
Let’s take an illustrative example of a friend who is perpetually late. You find it irritating and inconsiderate. Moreover, you resent the fact that her perpetual lateness causes you to be late as well. With this example in mind, here are six steps to empower yourself out of her control:
- Take Charge of Your Life: The only person who can really control your life is you. Start acknowledging how you feel about these situations. Start making decisions for yourself and prioritizing what is important to you. Example: Admit that your friend’s lateness bothers you. Think about the ideal situation and how you would like it to play out. Picture it in your mind.
- Set Goals: Setting goals allows us to stay true to what is important to us. Goals can be big or small. Whatever the case, create goals that are important to you and don’t let anyone else hurt your chances of reaching them. Example: If there is an event or function that you want to be on time for, set a goal that you will be on time no matter what.
- State Your Opinion/Thought/Preference: Once you have a goal in mind, state it out loud. State it to yourself and to the other person so they know where you stand. Be clear in voicing your expectation, and don’t leave anything up to the imagination by assuming the person understands what you want. Example: State to the individual who is always late that it is very important to you that you are on time for the event. Let them know you are willing to go without them if they aren’t ready in time.
- Stand Your Ground: Wishywashiness isn’t going to help you in these situations. Don’t back down from what you believe, feel or want. Stand your ground and follow through with your plan to ensure your goal is met. Example: If the other person is late, leave without them. If you don’t, they will continue to assume that it is okay to push their schedule on you.
- Stop Relying on Others for Approval: Part of what allows us to be ruled by others is that we want their approval. The reality is, if you respect yourself and stand up for what you want, then others will start respecting you more for it. Example: If after you leave and the other person gets upset. Make it clear that you informed them you would leave without them. Don’t apologize. You did what was important to you and you stayed true to yourself.
- Let go: There will be times when these steps aren’t always possible. You might just find that a relationship is repetitively one-sided in consideration. Instead of getting upset, let go. Realize that the person isn’t going to change and that you have the power to not let it bother you. Find ways to ensure that you take care of yourself. Example: If the person continues to be late for everything, stay true to your priority and start going alone and stop caring. Let go of the feelings and just accept them for who they are and start empowering yourself to be the on-time person you want to be.
Empowering yourself is important. Waiting for others to empower you gets you nowhere. Have you had a relationship where you felt you had no power? What did you do to address the situation?
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I was married to a very manipulating man for over 26 years. It was very frustrating but not as frustrating as being divorced from this person and still being manipulated. I finally am taking charge of my life and saying “NO” for the first time. It is very liberating.
Marie, you are indeed in a very difficult situation. It sounds like your mother is very needy and probably doesn’t know how to get things without manipulating people. And, unfortunately, the longer an individual does this, the harder it is to get them to see what they are doing. Don’t let her guilt you into things…she made the choice to have you and as a parent, parents are SUPPOSED to take care of their children. Now that you are taking care of her, you should try to tell her that you are doing everything you can and that her lack of appreciation is hurting you. Stand up for yourself…you are the only one who can. Also, believe in yourself. Don’t let others tear you down. You deserve better than that.
I feel like this is what my mom is doing rght now. She keeps backtracking about what her life has been just to support me, this is how she makes me guilty. She lets me feel that I would not be in my position right now if it weren’t for her which is true. I try the bestest I can to help her family financially, physically and emotionally. It seems that my efforts are not sufficient enough. I just started working which is not easy as well and true enough, my situation is not helping with decision makings. I feel that I need approval from somebody with what I am doing. I cant help it…
I could go on. Right now, I am not even in talking terms with her. I don’t know where to start to overcome this problem. It has been a vicious cycle. We get back in terms because I ask sorry and then again she is upset about something and there goes again another story…
Your article looks promising but the starting off would be very difficult. Right now, she is complaining a lot of health problem which she does not want addressed anyway. I feel bad telling this, but I feel she is using that to manipulate me as well.
I am emotionally exhausted since my year and half stay closer to her… I can’t stay away because I know I am still responsible and they are family.
I interferred with my 23 year old daughter’s relationship with a boyfriend who was not ready to commit to her- i was so worried about her- and called him, and asked him to stop calling her and seeing her if he is not ready to commit- this hurted her feelings especially from her back- now i admit that i was extremely wrong – although she understood, where i come from and why i called him- and she also understand where he come from and why it is hard for him to commit- specially at 23 year old. she is in pain and somehow angry with me- i don’t know how to make her feel better about this- it is hurting me and her…any ideas
hardatwork. Under normal circumstances, I’d say leave. If you are not appreciated or valued at your company, you are ultimately going to be resentful and unhappy. That said, in these economic times, it isn’t necessarily the best option. You might want to start networking with other companies in your industry, so that when employers start employing again, you are top of mind. If you can focus on a longer term goal, the pain of the day to day with your current company won’t feel as strong. Good luck…
okay so what if you work for a company who condones this kind of behavior? For example, you have great ideas, many others in and out of the company have expressed that they are great ideas but because the people you work with are so self-centered that they immediately disgregard them because they themselves did not think of it. What do you do then?
I had a friend like this, she called herself my best friend. I tried everthing to make the friendship work. She tried everthing to use and abuse me. I finally just cut her loose. She tries to contact me, I just blow her off. If I tell her the truth she will find some way to hurt me or my family. Any one who stop’s being friends with her she tries her best to mess up their live’s. Good riddins.
Daniel makes a good point manipulation is a part of life.At least to some degree. If we’re all “pulling together”, for the better good of the relationship,then manipulation is actually helpful if not abused.
To this day I’ve yet to meet somebody who does not manipulate others myself included.That said we all should take steps not to manipulate others.
I was having problems telling people NO! People would not stop asking for my help and wanted it for free. I started having medical problems and they were not around for me when I needed help. I still help others but only on my terms. I come first and if I have time, I will help. I found the 12 step program very helpful years ago.
Joshua,
I truly feel for you as you feel you are not loved by your mom….We all have strengths and weaknessess and make wise and unwise decisions. Sadly, as children, we do suffer the hurts inflicted on us from our parents whether it’s psychological, abuse, drug or alcohol issues…In order for us to move on and LIVE our lives, we first have to accept and believe that we are not the cause of our parents lacks. Seek out some counseling resources to help DEAL with certain issues…Self help and discovering yourself and making your life your own is healthy for you. “Empower yourself! Waiting for others to empower you gets you nowhere!”
I hate to say this but I think my boyfriend is manipulating me. I moved (and my kids) from four hours away to be with him. I changed my whole life and I feel like he’s not even giving me any credit. He only pays half of the utilities and the rent (like he’s supposed to) but then when I really need help, he is reluctant and he won’t even offer. I needed to go to the doctor and I didn’t have the money – for a possibly serious health condition – and again he didn’t offer. He doesn’t help me out in any way. Quite frankly, everyday just adds a little more to that “I am really getting tired of his crap” pile. It’s always about him – I just think that his parents spoiled the crap out of him and they still do.
SO MANY RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN PEOPLE are BUSTED BECAUSE of the “people features”/ “types”listed in the article. I can not comprehend how totally “selfish” some people are in their personal interactions…….I truly believe pets behave more “sanely” than people do….
Perhaps those who are and have been substance abusers are the MOST difficult to deal with and should stick with each other….they become “callous” and expect everyone to “beat to their drummer”…………….
your articles realy discribes my mom. she always like me to do wat ever she wills. she never smiled @ me, & often i keep asking my self wether she is my real mother. she makes me feel inferior & always compare me wit others. how can i make her love me?
My mother-in-law has borrowed $433 from me personally. Her son is in bankruptcy because of her begging and begging. Now when I ask for the money back as I borrowed the money from the bank and they want the money plus interest. Her reply is “I don’t think I owe you any money”. She needed her car fixed and did not have the money for 2 broken axcels and 2 front tires. Her son did not have the money. I used my credit to pay the vehicle garage. Now she has told someone “The vehicle was not repaired!” She’s a senior toxic liar!!! She needs transportation to the doctor and grocery store. No regards to anyone but herself. Called son over one day for a 6 hour furniture moving marathon. Does not want to bathe or wash her hands. I cannot be around her. She tries to suck the life out of me!!!! She only cares for her needs and does not think of anyone else. Her relatives have told be “You deserve a better mother-in-law”. She pulled this as child, as a student and now as a senior citizen. I am unable to purchase groceries because of her-she has taken and taken until I am at a point where it is getting to me. Just what she wants – to upset my life. I have told her on numerous occassions to leave me out of her problems. She is old enough to go to other relatives with large large large bank accounts. She refuses. And now she refuses to pay back what she borrowed to pay for the repairs to her car. My friends will not talke to me about this. My relatives are shocked at her activities. She continues to deny and deny. What is the answer????
My former daughter in law was that way. Lies, manipulation, head-games, it never ended, one thing after another. It would have been fun to be friends with her. It took me years to catch on to it. Now, we have a new daughter-in-law, she didn’t wait to get to know us, she got rid of us at the get go. This seems to have become a “I’ll get what I want no matter what” world and a “it’s all about me” world with no consideration or love of anyone but “my four and no more”. Very sad. This world has really changed. No respect.
How about the one’s that manipulate, you tell them they are and they tell you that your its all in you head! I know a person like that and they will sit and tell you black is white and think it really is. Can’t argue with those kind, I just stay away.
yeah I got a comment!
Thanks – for writing this article – very good insights all the way around.
This article is so on point.It describes my mother to a “T”.I relocated fom Chicago to Florida over 13 years ago and this made her behavior worse and continues to this day.During my divorce hearing my mother,her mother, my ex-mother n law, and her mother appeared at the final hearing hoping that the judge would order me to return to Chicago,God was with me. Over the years she has made many attempts to make life miserable for me.She has publicly humilated me, attempted to kidnap my kids from school,and have me Baker Act. All to no avail.She sees nothing wrong with her behavior and continues to disrespect me. This woman is deeply dsturbed. I have decided not to reconcile our relationship.I just hate that my ex allows the kids to visit with her when they in Chicago for the summer.She undermines my authority when it comes to the kids. Do you think she needs psychiatric help?
I had been friends with another woman for about 1 1/2 yrs. I had asked her to my birthday party bbq. She never said yes or no. After my birthday, she acted like,”Oh was it your birthday?” I threw her a very nice little birthday party…food, dessert & gifts. She called 30 min before she was due at my house and cancelled. The next day she showed up and couldn’t wait to leave. It was obvious by her behavior. She was fastly becoming unreliable.Then she would call every 3-4 mons and ask when we were getting together. I told her when I was free each time and that was the end of it. Then she would repeat the same flaky behavior for the following year. I finally realized her committment issues were more than I wanted to deal with in a true, sincere and respectful friend. I ended our friendship. It didn’t bother me much as I was ready to check out before that time. Hold true to yourself.