Brett's Blog: 8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid
April 28, 2009 | by Brett Blumenthal | 92 Comments
Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn’t so. Personally, I’ve had moments where I’ll be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I’ll be blindsided by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails. Sometimes it is easy to write it off and other times, not so much.
Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative. Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional. Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.
Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives. And, although we are all human and have our ‘issues,’ some ‘issues’ are quite frankly, toxic. They are toxic to our happiness. They are toxic to our mental outlook. They are toxic to our self-esteem. And they are toxic to our lives. They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.
Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:
1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your ‘buttons’ are, and push them to get what they want.
- Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem. They find ways to make you do things that you don’t necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation. The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.
2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them “It isn’t always about you.”
- Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust. You are left disappointed and unfulfilled. Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.
3. Debbie Downers: These people can’t appreciate the positive in life. If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast. If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they’ll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.
- Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything. Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity. Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.
4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive. If you find people’s unique perspectives refreshing, they find them ‘wrong’. If you like someone’s eclectic taste, they find it ‘disturbing’ or ‘bad’.
- Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers. In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over. If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring. Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.
5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can’t do it. As you achieve, they try to pull you down. As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.
- Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be. Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself. Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.
6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere. You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh. You feel depressed and sad and they give you a ‘there, there’ type response. You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.
- Why they are toxic: People who aren’t sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria. This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships. When you are really in need of a friend, they won’t be there. When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are. When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.
7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies. Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you. Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business. Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.
- Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don’t respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy. These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.
8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you. They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.
- Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process. They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.
All of these personalities have several things in common. 1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue. 2) Unfortunately, most of these people don’t see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one. 3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.
Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity. If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you’ll feel a lot happier. Have you encountered these personalities? What have you done? Any personalities you would add?
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I wished I had read this article years ago. I was friends with a woman for over 30 years that was negative to the point of being toxic. Her little slips, where she would share a confidence, only she had to put her personal twist on it so that it was ugly.
I am not sure why I hung onto the friendship. Looking back, I cant see anyone being that desperate for a friend………lol But for whatever reasons, this year when she came to visit, when she left in one of her drama exits, I made sure she understood she would not be welcome in my life any longer.
I got about 8 emails each one more venomous than the one before. I was ready to fire off a responce when I decided instead of answering her groundless and hateful accusations, I would validate them for her.
I wrote,
I have nothing but well wishes and hopes for you and your future. I look forward to your success and happiness.
So why not take the time that it took you to write this 8 page email and go outside and enjoy your life.
Emma Mae
She never wrote me another email. Wish them WELL and GONE. (Keep the gone to yourself.) Arguing over who is right or wrong, pointing out the truth is wasting your time with a Toxic Freind or Family Member. We have such little time on this earth to do great things, why waste any of it on something that is NOT going to put anything back into your life.
Great Article, Thanks for posting it
Emma Mae/Ameikins
Disappointed Daisy…change is hard! The fact that you RECOGNIZE this behavior in yourself is a major step. Don’t be so hard on yourself…you may want to seek some professional counseling to deal with some of these behaviors. Don’t give up and be proud of yourself for recognizing the way you are and feeling badly about how you impact others…many people can’t do that.
This is very true. I am guilty of being a Manipulative Mary, Narcisstic Nancy, Debbie Downer, Judgemental Jim, and Never Enough Nellie. I agree with John. Whether it be a nature or nurture effect It’s harder than people think to change a way you’ve been all your life. I recognize when I’m wrong, and why I’m wrong, but can’t seem to control my reaction to a given situation. I can make up another two I’m guilty of, Sarcastic Sally, and Annoyed Anne. I have a boyfriend who I believe I was drawn to because of his optimistic personality, calm nature, and high self-esteem and confidence. The last thing I would want to do is change his outlook in life, and feelings about himself. He is truly great the way he is. In a previous relationship I had, I realized how terrible it is to be with another person with a toxic personality like myself. I don’t want to ruin my current relationship.
This is very sad. I really feel like I can’t control my emotions when I’m faced with any given situation. It really makes me feel like an ugly person and not someone I would want to be with. I’ve read the response given to John and I am very expressive, my boyfriend and family know how I feel about how I act, but what is the point in expressing it when I don’t seem to have the power to do anything about it?
I have been living with three people that embody five of these traits. I recently moved in with them because they assured me that they would help me get back on my feet while going through the break-up of my marriage. To my surprise, I was taken for granted and manipulated in such a way that I felt like I was wrong for wanting my own identity. Everything I did was done for them and when I asked for the same treatment I was looked at as selfish. I know from experience how difficult it is to live in such a way that nothing you do is never enough. It is exhausting and you feel hopeless. Unfortunately, sometimes there is nothing you can do but walk away and never return; and yes, it makes it that much harder when it is supposedly your family that is doing the manipulating.
Women!
What an eye opener! I can see both my husband of 31 years and my mother in every one of these. It’s pure hell having to live with such a toxic person for so long. Even worse, to have a narcissistic, insincere, dream killing, judgemental mother you can’t confide in. I have to agree that surrounding yourself with fun loving positive people is the best thing you can do for yourself. (I hope I don’t sound too much like a narcissistic Nancy). Being exposed to such types for so long, has caused me to become a toxic individual myself. Fortunately, I’m able to see this and try and improve. As for my husband and mother, in their minds, they’re right and the rest of the world is wrong.
To Natalie Rogers – Thank you! It is so difficult to pull away from this man, but I am doing my best, trying to stay strong and relying on my family and friends to remind me that he is just not good for me. However, I constantly go back to the good times we had and then of course start to wonder if I would have just stayed quiet and did everything his way – everything would be fine, but I know this is the wrong way to think.
I am not sure and cannot speak about all toxic individuals, but I don’t know that is necessarily true that they can change. Typically they have been this way their whole entire lives and it isn’t easy to change. The funny thing about the man I was involved with and keep referencing knows he is a “bad” man as he always says, sometimes he even finds it funny that he is a “bad” man. Aside from finding it funny, he does know how he treats people is wrong, he knows what he does is wrong, but he never changes, he just keep repeating his actions. He will fess up to being wrong and says he regrets how badly he treated me and should never have done that but within days he is right back to that same toxic individual. I don’t think there is anything or anyone that will really make him want to change and become a better person. Several times I have tried to discuss, yell, lecture, etc him about how his behavior hurts people and like the article says – I believe it truly falls on deaf ears. I desparately wish this man would and could change because there is a part of him I truly and dearly love and I have been witness to the good man he can be, unfortunately for whatever reason by choice or not, he always returns to being that toxic individual.
To John, your self-recognition is most admirable!! That is the 1st step to any healing process or steps to self-improvement…much like any addiction. I’ve dealt with so many toxic individuals throughout my life and each was unique, some improved and some stayed in denial. Most people, at some point can have or will display these behaviors because we are all human and “no one is perfect” applies here. However, when these behaviors become habitual and/or leave you with a feeling of guilt, remorse, sadness or cause you anxiety, it’s time they be addressed. Counseling of course would help you unveil the reasons why these behaviors are surfacing, but considering you are NOT in denial and expressed your admission to such; I believe you can overcome your demons with some perseverance and consistency with some new ideas.
Now that you know and have admitted to yourself your flaws, perhaps it is time you share your thoughts with those you tend to hurt. By telling someone, “I was wrong to say/do that,” or “I’m sorry for…” If you manipulate someone, try saying something to the effect of, “I just took advantage of you and I didn’t mean to; here, take back the (examples) money you gave me,” or “Here, I’ll take care of it, I was just being lazy and was trying to get out of it.” I think by expressing your thoughts aloud and to the person it affects, it would be humbling for you and give you a dose of humility needed to work on the new and improved you. By doing so, others would also be aware that you “do” and “are capable” of such negative behaviors and they would be more in tune with you and recognize these. More importantly, YOU now know that THEY are on to you, so-to-speak. Eventually, you just might begin to hesitate to proceed with negative behaviors.
Also, try expressing yourself and ask for forgiveness. I really believe once you open the lines of communication, you will become more self-conscious of the things you say or do and also more compassionate to the needs, desires and feelings of others.
Ask others to correct you and politely express themselves to you too if they have negative feelings because of something you’ve said or done.
In any case, you will both will have a greater appreciation of each other and hopefully it will induce more positive emotions in you and in return a desire to continue with positive behaviors.
As for the “narcissistic” side, try practicing giving a GENUINE compliment to people, even strangers! Learn to tell the people stuck in your narcissistic manipulative webs, “NO, this it not about me. This is your moment to shine, “ or “I made you this gift because I wanted to show my appreciation for all you do for me.” It is a glorious feeling making others feel good; it will make you feel good too knowing you made someone happy or made them smile. Learn to appreciate those things.
Remember, it is a process, so don’t be discouraged if you don’t change overnight. Best of luck to you!!!
To Jane,
So how do you or did you make someone (in your case, your husband) realize that they have a toxic personality and what they do/say hurt people around him/her? I agree with you on the first step, realizing the toxic personality, but it is the most difficult part of getting rid of the toxin in people’s personality because they’ve lived with it all of their lives. It is hard to change something that you’ve become accustomed to for so long.
John, I am married to a man with a toxic personality, so maybe I can give you some advice and motivation. The first step is realizing you do these toxic things. You should congratulate yourself that you are able to see it, as most people can’t. Second, I can’t tell you how much it hurts me when my husband makes a nasty comment, which is often. It feels like he’s stabbing me with a knife and twisting it. Even though the comments are usually not directed at me, they are directed at someone. He either yells at the kids over something trivial or he yells at the TV. So he’s both hurting the kids by calling them idiots, and he’s teaching them to do the same to each other. Both of those are bad. If you have a toxic personality, you need counseling, and lots of it. You need to realize how badly it makes people around you feel. If you can develop some empathy, you won’t do those toxic things. Good luck.
I know for a fact that I’m a toxic individual, and it sincerely pains me to do the stuff I do towards people, especially those I care about. I sometimes wish they’d just kick me out of their lives so they could be free from all of my bullshit. The ones I can most definitely identify with are the Manipulative Mary, Narcissistic Nancy & the Disrespectful Dannys. If there is any way to get rid of these traits, please email me & tell me how. I don’t like the things I do & I hate the fact that I can easily fool myself into thinking that I’m doing things for the right reasons yet I keep doubting myself because I know somehow, or in some way, I’m doing it for all the wrong reasons.
I’m not kidding, I’m toxic, but I can be nice too.. so..
By the way, you left out Annoying Anne, someone who pesters you into buying stuff THEY want for no reason and calls you constantly that you have to say that your phone is dead to make them stop calling you.
Maybe that should be Control Freak Christy, like someone who monitors over your life and thinks they can control it whether ulike it or not…