Brett's Blog: 8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid
April 28, 2009 | by Brett Blumenthal | 17 Comments
Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn’t so. Personally, I’ve had moments where I’ll be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I’ll be blindsided by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails. Sometimes it is easy to write it off and other times, not so much.
Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative. Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional. Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.
Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives. And, although we are all human and have our ‘issues,’ some ‘issues’ are quite frankly, toxic. They are toxic to our happiness. They are toxic to our mental outlook. They are toxic to our self-esteem. And they are toxic to our lives. They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.
Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:
1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your ‘buttons’ are, and push them to get what they want.
- Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem. They find ways to make you do things that you don’t necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation. The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.
2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them “It isn’t always about you.”
- Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust. You are left disappointed and unfulfilled. Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.
3. Debbie Downers: These people can’t appreciate the positive in life. If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast. If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they’ll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.
- Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything. Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity. Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.
4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive. If you find people’s unique perspectives refreshing, they find them ‘wrong’. If you like someone’s eclectic taste, they find it ‘disturbing’ or ‘bad’.
- Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers. In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over. If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring. Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.
5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can’t do it. As you achieve, they try to pull you down. As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.
- Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be. Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself. Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.
6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere. You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh. You feel depressed and sad and they give you a ‘there, there’ type response. You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.
- Why they are toxic: People who aren’t sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria. This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships. When you are really in need of a friend, they won’t be there. When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are. When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.
7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies. Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you. Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business. Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.
- Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don’t respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy. These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.
8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you. They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.
- Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process. They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.
All of these personalities have several things in common. 1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue. 2) Unfortunately, most of these people don’t see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one. 3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.
Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity. If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you’ll feel a lot happier. Have you encountered these personalities? What have you done? Any personalities you would add?
Related Topics:
- Dealing with Bullies
- 6 Steps to Stop Being Manipulated
- 9 Ways to Live Longer
- The Price of Not Saying No
- Rumble in the Cubicle Jungle: Dealing with Workplace Conflict
Carol Galanty
I especially love the paragraph you wrote about “dream killing”; boy, you hit it right on the head with that one! I’ve been struggling with living with a dream killer and it’s very difficult to constantly have your ideas shot down. Thank you for articulating what I couldn’t quite put into words myself!
David Thompson
Uhhh….(laugh) This is..yes an accurate account of these personality types. Yes , I, in my lifetine have encountered each and every one of these types. But ya know what?..It’s all subjective. What I would add to all this is people have the power to never ALLOW such people to bring them down. ”eat away at your self esteem”???.. That says more about the writer of this article than it does the toxics spoken of. I say if a person allows such toxics to eat away at their self esteem then they never had any self esteem to begin with. But in short, its all subjective. My suggestion with such people is OBJECTIIFY. Don’t disagree. Just do it.
dia-vlo
THE SEXUAL CAPRICE – the typical coquettes who likes to do xXx favors for her own bidding.
why they are toxic: they are insanely sexually repressed that they tend to inundate your life with their own xXx world, not mentioning their maniac kind of living. it’s wicked sick!
source: how did i fcuck your mother
nameless nobody
And there are probably a dozen or more toxic types of people who aren’t in the list. You get to meet them everywhere and you just cannot avoid them because you happen to work with them, live with them or are married to her/him/it.
The best way to avoid these toxic people is to board a plane and get lost in a deserted island. Bottom line? Learn to DEAL with these types instead of avoiding them.
julie
there are toxic types ever where, you can not get away, you are right about this. but you have to walk away from them. are try saying something postive are get away from them if you can, if not, dont say a word. thank you for the infor I have learn more today about getting to know other’s. and now it makes sences.
ray
by avoiding and ignoring these types, you also send them a clear and strong signal that “hey, stay away from me! Don’t want to see you in my life!”…But, the personality type that really bothers me are those who try to FORCE their way into your life, I guess because they hate to see you not intoxicated! you can call them persistent leech! why are they toxic? because they have all the 8 toxic features above plus they are very persistent! of course no worries, because they are very RARE, but I was lucky enough to encounter a few.
ray
So how would you DEAL with these types if you don’t want to see them?
JoAna
I think I’m dating a manipulative AND narcissistic man. How do I get out of it?
b martin
this is one of the best blog articles I’ve ever read. thanks
Dave
Hmm. I was married to Narcissistic Nancy. Yes she was narcissistic and her name was Nancy. Didn’t know about or ignored the personality disorder until she left me. It was all about her…..
Mark
I married a Manipulative Mary, with narcissistic hi-lights, They are relentless in the pursuit of what they want, whether it is a person, or item, or an idea that they don’t necessarily agree with, but want YOU to believe. I used to collect certain antique items of curiosity. One day, one was missing. Due to the fact that we HAD others around, visitors, guests, etc. I couldn’t very well place the blame on her for it being gone. But, in the years since, most of MY things, of a like nature, were volunteered to church sales, yard sales, etc. Which took me back to the first instance of missing things. It was her, she now says, BECAUSE… there is no because, because those were my things, not hers. But if I suggest she get rid of this or that, SHE comes up with, not MY things.
enough said?
Mark
To JoAna…..
I f you’re certain this is NOT with whom you wish to share your life, GET OUT! get a restraining order, peace warrant, whatever it’s called in your area, but get it. Get your point across, that you WILL NOT be with him anymore, don’t date him one more time to tell him goodbye, tell him via the Sheriff’s Dept, or the Local Police, District Justice, whatever, but make a plan, and GET OUT!!
Smith
Don’t take advantage of this statement on your life, because you want to see people the way that you want,
I think this 8 point may cause very temporary in life of every human being. life is good and maybe you must learn how to treat them to change their behavior.
I know there are some people that don’t change, so at least you tried.
toni
what if you have some one in your life with multiple traits?
will
Avoid toxic people all together, disassociate and make new friends. I had a very toxic family and now have a more refreshing life. This world is full of actors and actresses with one stage. Bad Energy is a waste of time.
d.anne
wow! this was spot on target for what i needed to read. while you can conceivably leave a toxic spouse, cutting unhealthy ties with a parent or a child appears a bit more complex. if intensive psychotherapy isn’t a monetary option, atleast occasionally reading something like this and thinking ‘ok; i’m really not totally nuts’ is a great little pick-me-up and ‘thought for the day.’ thanks brett. i needed that.
Imzadi
Yeah, this blog helps when you are trying to stay away from the toxic person who you’ve come to love realizing this person doesn’t love you and never will. Make a list of the character traits of the people you want to associate with. Then make of the deal breaker character traits that bring you down.
Stick to it! It’s hard but in the long run you’re better off.