Brett's Blog: 8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid
April 28, 2009 | by Brett Blumenthal | 114 Comments
Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn’t so. Personally, I’ve had moments where I’ll be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I’ll be blindsided by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails. Sometimes it is easy to write it off and other times, not so much.
Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative. Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional. Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.
Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives. And, although we are all human and have our ‘issues,’ some ‘issues’ are quite frankly, toxic. They are toxic to our happiness. They are toxic to our mental outlook. They are toxic to our self-esteem. And they are toxic to our lives. They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.
Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:
1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your ‘buttons’ are, and push them to get what they want.
- Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem. They find ways to make you do things that you don’t necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation. The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.
2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them “It isn’t always about you.”
- Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust. You are left disappointed and unfulfilled. Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.
3. Debbie Downers: These people can’t appreciate the positive in life. If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast. If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they’ll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.
- Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything. Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity. Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.
4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive. If you find people’s unique perspectives refreshing, they find them ‘wrong’. If you like someone’s eclectic taste, they find it ‘disturbing’ or ‘bad’.
- Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers. In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over. If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring. Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.
5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can’t do it. As you achieve, they try to pull you down. As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.
- Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be. Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself. Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.
6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere. You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh. You feel depressed and sad and they give you a ‘there, there’ type response. You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.
- Why they are toxic: People who aren’t sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria. This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships. When you are really in need of a friend, they won’t be there. When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are. When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.
7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies. Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you. Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business. Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.
- Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don’t respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy. These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.
8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you. They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.
- Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process. They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.
All of these personalities have several things in common. 1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue. 2) Unfortunately, most of these people don’t see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one. 3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.
Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity. If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you’ll feel a lot happier. Have you encountered these personalities? What have you done? Any personalities you would add?
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I was married to a man who had all 8 traits, plus the ones others have blogged above. No wonder I sit here and worry if I am doing things correctly all the time. Having been told for years that I would be nothing without him, blah blah blah, the worry of complete failure now that he is out of my life is HUGE. Also when you have children with a person like this, the damage they do to the children when you finally have had enough and get out, it incredibly horrid. As it says, these traits get worse as the person ages, from 34 -50 it has gotten very bad.
w kent, sorry to hear you are going through that as well. My husband was jealous out of the box about our daughter and could not understand why I was so focused on ‘her care’ when he needed dinner! Granted, she was a newborn and needed constant care and he was a grown up who could take care of himself if he needed to. When I explained this to him, you would have thought I was the most evil, thoughtless, uncaring person in the world. He will go without food now unless I make something, and yes, this type doesn’t notice anything that you do for them, I’m with ya there! But they want YOU to bend over backward for them. There are givers and takers and somehow they end up marrying each other, I don’t know why.
With this type, the relationship becomes more like roomates than soulmates.
Good ideas and all, but if the manipulator is a superior at work or a family member, one is going to have to make sacrifices in order to become autonomous and that’s the hard part, rather than just realizing that you are being played. In essence you have to leave the person alone and have to deal without the love and money (children) that this person brings to the table.
MAN!!! I just ditched a “friend” who still has every one of those characteristics! She’s like the WORST person to be around! She’s depressed, insecure, and wildly jealous of me. That isn’t based on speculation because I wouldn’t say she were jealous had she not said it out loud!!! She spread rumors about me when I was out of the country, told people I was dumb (even though I’m quite intelligent), told me I couldn’t do anything, told me she would ruin my relationships… Just tried everything to hurt me. And she attached herself to me to find friends. I tried for years to make our “friendship” work, but the older I got, the more tired I grew of her. I finally just told her to piss off one day, a couple months ago. It felt great.
This is right on target in describing these personalities and the fact that it does get worse with age. You do think you’re the crazy one, because they make you look and feel like you are crazy—that’s not love! In psychology, it’s actually called crazy-making and they waste no time doing it. They get you to question yourself and make you feel like you’re out of line for having an opinion different from theirs right from the beginning. After nine years of it, I finally got out. Best decision I made for my life and my kids! Imzadi is right too—It’s hard to stick to making necessary changes, but it’s sooo worth it in the long run. And these toxic personalities get easier to spot and deal with. By deal with, I mean walk away and don’t look back. It’s your life and life is too short to be treated with disrespect and manipulation.
ok, i was bored, and i randomly clicked this, and wouldn’t you know it, this describes my mother perfectly. i can’t believe my mother’s personality is all of these rolled into one. it’s like she was BORN to destroy people. of course, telling her this would only cause a war, but it is nice to know i wasn’t crazy growing up, and also why life seems so much better now that i am far away from her, and she has to play on my terms now. thanks for posting this. it was an enlightening read.
ok, i was bored, and i randomly clicked this, and wouldn’t you know it, this describes my mother perfectly. i can’t believe my mother’s personality is all of these rolled into one. it’s like she was BORN to destroy people. of course, telling her this would only cause a war, but it is nice to know i wasn’t crazy growing up, and also why life seems so much better now that i am far away from her, and she has to play on my terms now. thanks for posting this. it was an enlightening read.
don’t forget this personality that is toxic. Pathological liars. They lie so much that they either start to believe what they deem to be true as fact, or they lie so much to one person that the person can no longer tell if they are telling the truth or if they are lying to your face about things. They even go so far as to lie about events that happened with you present so that they will feel better about themselves. another personality trait, Drama creators. They feel their lives are so insignificant the way they are so they must come up with other ways to make themselves feel better, in effect lying, or blowing something out of proportion so that they look like victims when really they are just being overly dramatic.
It’s easy to say to avoid these people and to leave them if you are with them, but the reality is, if you are married to them, with children, there is no easy way out. I have a spouse with multiple traits here and each time I have tried to leave, he has threatened to take my children. Life is not as easy as a blog..oh that it were. I no longer know what I want or could even dream of in a life-long partener, I only know what I have now and that it is a daily struggle to keep a smile on my face for my children.
GOOD GOD—ALL OF THESE 8 TOXIC PERSONALITIES ARE WRAPPED UP INTO 1 PERSON—–MY MOTHER !!!!!!!! IN THERAPY TO BREAK THE CYCLE, BUT IT IS HARDER THAN ONE WOULD IMAGINE. HOPEFULLY, ONE DAY I WILL BE ABLE TO BE HAPPY !!!!
to ray… I know exactly what your talking about… It’s like you lock your door to keep them out and they use a battering ram to get back in.
I think you have to be careful before you label someone a Judgmental Jim. Some judgment is necessary and good – if the person is telling you that a person is “bad” and the person is a drug addict or perpetual liar, then their judgment is good. A real “Judgmental Jim” makes INAPPROPRIATE judgments about things that don’t really matter, or are untrue.
LIARS LIARS LIARS…I think this is the most toxic person you can be around. They mess with your head, they break your heart for their own selfish reason. They will tell you anything to keep you from knowing the truth. They usually do it by telling you how important you are in their life. How much they love you and they are doing it for you!
What they are really doing is disrespecting you, devaluing you and showing a total disregard for you as a person. Their motives are selfish and whenever you try and talk to them, again, they don’t get it and if they do, they swing it around to place the blame on you. Stay away. Stay very far away!!!
The article is good for not only identifying the behaviors of others in your life but for determining if you have some of these characteristics as well. A good look at the man/woman in the mirror is always helpful when trying to improve on a relationship. Some of these traits enable some of the others, which is another valid reason for using the article to help you to own your own weaknesses.
JoAna- This is a long shot, but are you referring to a Mark? … You just got to find the strength and end it! Never settle…never.
Wow, I think I am married to one of these. I asked her several years ago when are we going to be able to have a relationship. Her response was when the children are out of high school, then it was when they are out of college, then it when they move out of the house, now it is when you get a job I like. I guess none of the ones I’ve had in the last fifteen + years were good enough. Then when I fix or make something nice this is the same person who waits days, weeks or months before acknowledging with one word once that that was nice. Yes she got jealous of our daughter when I spent time making and fixing things for her.
What about the “controlers” and “the excluders”? Are they insecure or acting superior because of fear when you’re around?And what about the perpetual sympathtic,sophomoric, rah-rah acting types who underneath are incredibley ambitious and insincere?
Due to my experience throughout a duration of 8 years, I have learned (the hard way) that people with toxic personalities WILL NEVER CHANGE. I repeat: THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE.
The plan for my boyfriend and I all along was for us to be together some day. I let him know in so many ways…so many times…that I will not tolerate any of these destructive traits. It is destructive to our relationship–period!
He was manipulative, judgmental, narcissistic,etc. For 8 whole years, I have not just stayed at “square one”…I have went backwards. At the beginning of my relationship, I was a very healthy, happy person, but that has deteriorated over time. Now I’m left to slowly build myself up again.
I really hope this saves precious time for others out there.
I have a stepmonster (i mean stepmother) who has all 8 subjects above pertaining to her less-than-lovely personality. After 20 years i broke free and have NO contact with her. There is NO NICE way to deal with toxic personalities as mention in the above article, they will suck the life out of you, then they will start on your children. I am much happier with the monster out of our lives:)
All good stuff. It helps to see that others deal with these issues and how toxic they really are. Learning how to spot the traits is an important first step. You have to be fair and allow people to be human. Where to draw the line and what to do about it are the most difficult questions. A toxic person can get you down and have seriuos effect before you know it. Especialy when blinded by love. If bad times do not give way to the good times on a regular basis, I say life is too short to live like that. Get help or find your way out and move on.