Brett's Blog: Dealing with Bullies
February 6, 2009 | by Brett Blumenthal | 48 Comments
by Brett Blumenthal
Growing up, I was taught to be an open and honest communicator. It was expected. It was expected that if you had a problem, or if you had a conflict, that you discussed it. You didn’t whine about it. You didn’t sweep it under the rug. And, you didn’t act passively aggressively. Instead, you talked it out, you explained how you felt and you came up with ways to fix it or deal with it. Although as a child there were times that I thought our household did too much communicating, I now pride myself in being open, honest and forthright.
Recently, however, my belief in open communication turned against me. Over the last couple of months, I had noticed that my colleague (let’s call him Tom) started acting distant and dismissive. As peers, my work and his work needed to be integrated to get the job done. Yet, I constantly felt as though he wasn’t respecting me or including me in important discussions that were vital to the work we were doing. It became clear that it needed to be addressed, and I told him in a couple of ways, that I’d appreciate if he would ensure that I was part of these discussions. Ignoring these requests, Tom started displaying passive aggressive tendencies towards me and it was starting to affect the way we worked together. Finally, one interaction pushed me over the edge, causing me to want to address the situation immediately. I discreetly pulled Tom aside and told him that I detected something was wrong. Trying to be sensitive to Tom’s feelings and to avoid putting him on the defensive, I put the responsibility on me by saying that I hoped that I hadn’t done anything to offend him. This plan backfired.
Instead of taking my gesture as an opening to an honest two-way dialogue, Tom used this opportunity to bully me. I patiently listened until it was obvious he was through, making sure that I let him fully express himself. When he was done, I apologized for how he felt and started to explain how I was feeling. He quickly made it clear that he didn’t care. All of the feelings I had been feeling for the better part of two months, were completely dismissed. Further, he was quick to let me know that he had no intention of taking any responsibility for any part of the situation, implying that the problem was completely my fault. I came away feeling stomped on, deflated and disrespected. Not quite the outcome I had hoped for.
Although I believe that open communication is the key to successful relationships, this interaction made me realize that it doesn’t work with everyone. Although I do think speaking with Tom was better than not saying anything at all, it obviously didn’t accomplish what I had hoped it would.
Tom was given the gift of closure; he got to express everything he felt. I on the other hand, didn’t get to express much of anything and as a result, was left feeling even worse than I did before the discussion. In hindsight, I feel that I left it all on the table, without any recourse or ability to defend myself. I feel that I gave him an opening to put me down and to belittle me. And, I feel that he completely took advantage of me and the situation.
There were a lot of things left unsaid, and I so wish I could have another opportunity to tell Tom what I really think. Instead, I have to let it go. Letting go is SO hard! Especially when you feel that you’ve been beat-up with no ability to defend yourself. The only thing you can really do in these situations, I guess, is to learn from them, so that maybe history doesn’t repeat itself. Here were the lessons I learned:
- Mutual Respect: If you embark on an open dialogue with someone, make sure that both of you respect one another. If a person doesn’t respect you, talking to them may fall on deaf ears, and you may find yourself in a worse off position.
- Be Prepared: If you attempt to resolve a conflict, prepare yourself for the possibility of it not going as you would expect. Otherwise, you may not get all that you wanted out of the conversation. Create a list of the things you want to address to ensure that you get to make all the points you want to make.
- It Takes Two to Communicate: If the person is not a big communicator to begin with, it might be a sign that the conversation may not go as you hope. It was clear to me that open communication was not in Tom’s repertoire unless it was one-way.
- Sharing Requires Caring: If the person you are hoping to speak with is not interested in your feelings or concerns, you may be left feeling empty. If the person doesn’t care, it isn’t worth the emotional investment. Stick to the facts and don’t let emotions get involved.
- Timing: When we are upset and want to talk about something, it is important to take some time to really think through how we are going to have the conversation. I reacted emotionally, wanting to solve something on the spot. As a result, I didn’t really think through how I would approach him or where we would have the conversation. Instead, it was on the fly and in a setting that didn’t lend itself to having a thorough conversation.
- Self Confidence: We all have moments where we lack confidence, but if someone has self esteem issues deep down at the core, they will mask it by being a bully or pointing fingers…and not taking any responsibility for anything themselves. In this case, I suspect that Tom has issues that have nothing to do with me, and instead of acknowledging that maybe he was partially wrong in the situation, he had to make himself look and feel better by placing all of the blame on me.
Replaying the conversation in my head, I realize that I totally enabled his behavior. I didn’t stand up for myself, because I was blindsided by his attack. If you think you want to have a conversation with someone, be sure to respect yourself in the process. You are the only one who is going to stand up for yourself!
Have you had a situation that was similar? Did you open a conversation with someone only to find that they didn’t value or respect you?
Related Topics:
- Rumble in the Cubicle Jungle
- Surviving Your Annual Performance Appraisal
- Turning Challenges into Opportunities
- Managing, NOT Kissing Up
- Thank God I wasn’t THAT Person
- The Permagrin: Being Forced to Smile
Sameena
Stop being so freaking nice – that is the true way to deal with bullies!!!!!!!!! Bullies in my life were taking advantage of my forgiveness and understanding. yes, I am still as nice as I always was but to those who respond to it. Bullies understand the language of consequences, niceness is wasted on them.
Gabriella
At work, bullies can target a victim from across the room when they first see the victim, by viewing the victim’s clothing, facial expressions, and body language. The bully will then speak to the victim to ascertain that the victim is indeed a true victim.
First: I am not “nice.” I act like a law enforcement officer in my demeanor: speak in monotone and say only what is pertient to my work as it relates to the bully – if there is no link, I make that clear, turn and walk away.
Second: I reveal no personal information about myself – I say that I am busy on a project.
Third: If the bully tries to provoke me, I look at them grimly and silently walk away.
As a result, I have had many people ask me if I am a Vice President or FBI, although I am not. I get PROMOTED.
I am a woman, but act like a “man” would – that is the secret.
I do not go to work to make friends, but to earn money. Period.
The bullies find me boring, and look for another target.
If a bully impeded my work, I go up the chain of command and report the bully; when I submit the complaint, I also provide evidence of the damage the bully has created by their behavior.
I do this in my personal life as well. I went shopping for electronics, and the salesman slghtly helped me, then ignored my order. I submitted a complaint to the HQ of the company, including a copy of the receipts from another store I went to later, to get better service. The receipts totalled $3,000. At that point, HQ saw that inappropriate sales performance by the bully cost the company $3,000. He was probably fired.
Gabriella
TO KAREN:
You have a right to face your accusers. Anything short of that is harassment.
I was once in a situation like yours. I worked for the government, and there was only a 1% causasion component working there. The greater racial component pulled something like that against me, in order TO RUN ME OUT, in order to eliminate that 1% component.
Statements made to me made me realize that.
I possess 3 university degrees; the average worker there possessed a high school diploma. Needless to say, our personalities did not fit. Further, I discovered that violations of state and federal law were routinely committed by other employees – I will not commit any crimes in the course of my work; furthermore, I will not stay there and put myself in the position of potentially being arrested as an accessory to a crime. Therefore, I left.
You may be in this same position and not even realize it.
I resigned because I deserve better treatment than that, and also can earn more money using professional licenses, or working in the private sector where education is revered – it is not appreciated in government, since governmental entities are NOT productive.
You can try to fight the case of the bullies stalking you, but you will probably lose, since your supervisor is an idiot to even listen to the bullies’ later complaints, after she had earlier ascertained that you did not come in late, contrary to the bullies’ earlier assertions.
I would suggest that you leave your company and move UP into a position where you will be surrounded by people as honorable as you. I believe that right now, you are under-employed for your abilities, since emotional stability usually accompanies a higher intellect: realize you are currently in a work position where you are surrounded by emotionally unstable people, and you just don’t FIT IN.
Need to Say This
Gabriella’s response is the most professional, LOGICAL and detailed strategy to take with a bully in the work place on this whole site. Very intelligent! If you want specifics..like step by step ways to handle a bully in the work place..READ THIS. Way to tell it Gabriella!
Beth
My Gosh! You have no idea how this hits home with me! My Mother-in-law is a huge bully! She manipulates everyone in the family and has alienated my husband, me and our kids from the rest of the family because we wouldn’t ‘conform’ to her rules. She tries to ‘punish’ us by buying the rest of the family big, expensive gifts and making sure that we know about it. It doesn’t bother my husband and I, but our kids find out that she has given her only other grandchild Ipods, laptops, Wii consoles, phones, money, jewlery and takes her shopping constantly, and it’s really pissing me off because they always ask us why their grandma doesn’t love them and only loves the ‘favorite one’ as they call her. Our reply is that if they want to know the answer to that, they need to call and talk to their grandma, whom they are quite frightened of, because she yells and throws fits to get her way and they’ve see too much of it before we backed out of the whole family situation. We don’t have the money that my husband’s sisters family does and that his mother does, and with 4 kids, that kind of competition isn’t going to happen, nor would it even if we were to afford it. We have brought our kids up to be good, hard working, honest, caring individuals. Our two oldest, who are adults now, are very good. They both have jobs and know that we don’t have to spend lots of money on them to know that we truely love them. It’s just sad that there are toxic people in the world like my Mother-in-law. Thank goodness we don’t have to put up with her anymore! Alienation in this form means peace for our family! Plus, just think of the money we save not having to buy the rest of them presents for Christmas and Birthdays! ;o)
Maria
To Karen (May 25)
Did it ever occur to you it may be your boss’s way of addressing you about your bathroom breaks? You say it is only your boss that tells you about the complaints. Maybe your coworkers have nothing to do with it and you are blaming them without proof. I had a boss that used to pit one person against the other so people would always be fighting with each other. Pretty sad. You need to ask your boss to tell you the name of the complainer, to detail the incident, when it happened, who was there. Use the bathroom on your break and lunch times to minimize work time breaks. Be honest with yourself, is there justification for the complaints? Keep a log of all your bathroom breaks, add up the time. Improve the quality of your work– take a course to improve customer service, typing and spelling. Maybe they are looking for any reason to get rid of you. If your blog is a reflection of your work start looking elsewhere before they do.
schooltchr
Christina….
I thought your comment about WWJD? was right on target.
About 10 years ago, I was in the midst of a really bad workplace bully- fest. The target was on my back. I was the primary breadwinner for the family (yes, I am female!). It was really bad. I was trying to be rational and politically correct, however it did not work. The bullies colluded w/one another. We had relocated to another state for this job, my job. A wonderful, older and wiser co-worker quoted some scripture to me that enabled me to hold steady and plug on:
“Greater is He than that which is in the World”.
My coworker loaned me a gold cross which I wore under my shirts!
People can be so good. Yes, there are some angels out there, and my family is now back “home” where our roots are. (Our home state of Texas)
I have moved on to teaching and met some really “golden” teachers, too.
God Bless!
Well Said
AWESOME POSTS HERE ! I’ve been working with a few semi-toxic people intensely for 4 years and have instinctively developed many responses exactly as described by “Need to Say This” and “Gabriella”. Without these difficult experiences I doubt I would have gained clarity, confidence and wisdom. Yes, GET AWAY fast or slow but GET AWAY from these types because they have no interest in changing for good. Although many bullies in business won’t physically harm you. Its hard to believe but many WILL seek you out- they are sick, demented, toxic. Learn to focus on your specific purpose, do it and quickly leave potential target zones.