Brett's Blog: Dealing with Bullies
February 6, 2009 | by Brett Blumenthal | 59 Comments
Growing up, I was taught to be an open and honest communicator. It was expected. It was expected that if you had a problem, or if you had a conflict, that you discussed it. You didn’t whine about it. You didn’t sweep it under the rug. And, you didn’t act passively aggressively. Instead, you talked it out, you explained how you felt and you came up with ways to fix it or deal with it. Although as a child there were times that I thought our household did too much communicating, I now pride myself in being open, honest and forthright.
Recently, however, my belief in open communication turned against me. Over the last couple of months, I had noticed that my colleague (let’s call him Tom) started acting distant and dismissive. As peers, my work and his work needed to be integrated to get the job done. Yet, I constantly felt as though he wasn’t respecting me or including me in important discussions that were vital to the work we were doing. It became clear that it needed to be addressed, and I told him in a couple of ways, that I’d appreciate if he would ensure that I was part of these discussions. Ignoring these requests, Tom started displaying passive aggressive tendencies towards me and it was starting to affect the way we worked together. Finally, one interaction pushed me over the edge, causing me to want to address the situation immediately. I discreetly pulled Tom aside and told him that I detected something was wrong. Trying to be sensitive to Tom’s feelings and to avoid putting him on the defensive, I put the responsibility on me by saying that I hoped that I hadn’t done anything to offend him. This plan backfired.
Instead of taking my gesture as an opening to an honest two-way dialogue, Tom used this opportunity to bully me. I patiently listened until it was obvious he was through, making sure that I let him fully express himself. When he was done, I apologized for how he felt and started to explain how I was feeling. He quickly made it clear that he didn’t care. All of the feelings I had been feeling for the better part of two months, were completely dismissed. Further, he was quick to let me know that he had no intention of taking any responsibility for any part of the situation, implying that the problem was completely my fault. I came away feeling stomped on, deflated and disrespected. Not quite the outcome I had hoped for.
Although I believe that open communication is the key to successful relationships, this interaction made me realize that it doesn’t work with everyone. Although I do think speaking with Tom was better than not saying anything at all, it obviously didn’t accomplish what I had hoped it would.
Tom was given the gift of closure; he got to express everything he felt. I on the other hand, didn’t get to express much of anything and as a result, was left feeling even worse than I did before the discussion. In hindsight, I feel that I left it all on the table, without any recourse or ability to defend myself. I feel that I gave him an opening to put me down and to belittle me. And, I feel that he completely took advantage of me and the situation.
There were a lot of things left unsaid, and I so wish I could have another opportunity to tell Tom what I really think. Instead, I have to let it go. Letting go is SO hard! Especially when you feel that you’ve been beat-up with no ability to defend yourself. The only thing you can really do in these situations, I guess, is to learn from them, so that maybe history doesn’t repeat itself. Here were the lessons I learned:
- Mutual Respect: If you embark on an open dialogue with someone, make sure that both of you respect one another. If a person doesn’t respect you, talking to them may fall on deaf ears, and you may find yourself in a worse off position.
- Be Prepared: If you attempt to resolve a conflict, prepare yourself for the possibility of it not going as you would expect. Otherwise, you may not get all that you wanted out of the conversation. Create a list of the things you want to address to ensure that you get to make all the points you want to make.
- It Takes Two to Communicate: If the person is not a big communicator to begin with, it might be a sign that the conversation may not go as you hope. It was clear to me that open communication was not in Tom’s repertoire unless it was one-way.
- Sharing Requires Caring: If the person you are hoping to speak with is not interested in your feelings or concerns, you may be left feeling empty. If the person doesn’t care, it isn’t worth the emotional investment. Stick to the facts and don’t let emotions get involved.
- Timing: When we are upset and want to talk about something, it is important to take some time to really think through how we are going to have the conversation. I reacted emotionally, wanting to solve something on the spot. As a result, I didn’t really think through how I would approach him or where we would have the conversation. Instead, it was on the fly and in a setting that didn’t lend itself to having a thorough conversation.
- Self Confidence: We all have moments where we lack confidence, but if someone has self esteem issues deep down at the core, they will mask it by being a bully or pointing fingers…and not taking any responsibility for anything themselves. In this case, I suspect that Tom has issues that have nothing to do with me, and instead of acknowledging that maybe he was partially wrong in the situation, he had to make himself look and feel better by placing all of the blame on me.
Replaying the conversation in my head, I realize that I totally enabled his behavior. I didn’t stand up for myself, because I was blindsided by his attack. If you think you want to have a conversation with someone, be sure to respect yourself in the process. You are the only one who is going to stand up for yourself!
Have you had a situation that was similar? Did you open a conversation with someone only to find that they didn’t value or respect you?
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Wait a minute here! How on earth Brett do you feel Tom is a bully? Tom was acting “distant and dismissive” toward you not attacking you or being cruel and mean like the actions of a true bully.
Some people are very sensitive to others and would interpret your obviously direct method of communication to be intimidating and somewhat threatening. It was YOU who took him aside and told him you were upset. I get the impression Tom was unloading his issues he had with you, which he had kept bottled up until you forced his hand so to speak.
Good Grief, this is definitely a one sided story. I see Tom’s side as a reflection of my own as I am a sensitive person as well and his actions have mirrored some of my own.
I’m not sure if this is for bullies in the work place or schoolyard bullies. I was And Still Am a Schoolyard Bully. I love it when they try and stand up to me like I’m going to suddenly feel frightened by them. It always made it so much more fun beating them up. I’m not insecure I just like to hurt people because I really dislike them. I tried to avoid people at school but they just wouldn’t quit so after my first fight and the kid laying on the ground with a bloody face it felt really great and the look of fear on the other students faces. I’m not a killer or anything I just like to hurt them because the dead don’t scream. Its true some bullies will back down there are a few that won’t. So you have to figure out what kinda bully you have before taking a stand or you could end up on your back and bloody.
Hi there! I wanna personally thank you for writing this. I felt like I was reading a situation that happened to me. I am just like you and I believe in open, honest communication where you play fair. You’re beliefs and actions resembled mine when I was being “bullied”. What stuck out for me the most was #6 Self confidence. My “bully” has the lowest self eteem and was those deeply insecure girls. Her words “attacked” me – “you did this”, “you did that”. And you’re right, she blamed me for everything to make herself feel better.
I guess the main thing I learned is that it’s good to have open and honest comunication….if the other person is worthy of it.
Some of the techniques to handle a bully seemed passive rather than assertive and direct. For the extreme bully the phrase “this is unacceptable” works very well.
You stand up to a bully by standing up to a bully. End of discussion.
Thanks Brett for a very honest, open and thought provoking article.
In every relationship it is always hard to divorce your own feelings from what is happening. And yet, the skill of being able to do his is where your true power lays.
Because once you can step outside the story you have going in your head and ask what I call the power question:
Why would a reasonable and honorable person act this way?
It can open you up to viewing the situation from a different perspective. 97% of people you will touch in your lifetime are reasonable and honorable in most circumstances … they haven’t set out to make others life miserable. It’s just they are caught up in their own needs, desires and fears.
Asking this power question enables you to set aside your own powerful (and normally negative) story, long enough to view the world from the other’s perspective.
Once you do this it frees you up to start the dialogue with them in a different way.
Certainly it can be challenging when you find yourself in a situation where you feel beaten up, put upon and wronged. Rest easy though there are a set of skills anyone can learn to more effectively weave your way through these tricky situations.
There are books and websites filled with information on how to do it.
I am so amazed at this article. I had a very similar experience with my younger sister a few months ago and ended up feeling like I was truly going insane. Things will never be the same between us since we are unable to have a conversation where we can share openly and without her placing all blame on me (for things I never even did!). I had no idea this was bullying. We are middle aged and I would have thought we would be dealing properly with each other by this time, but I guess my desire to have peace between us will remain an unfilled dream.
Thank you for making things so clear. It was very eye opening.
One of the best blogs I’ve read in a very long time! I can relate to that. I got the boot years ago when this colleague became jealous of me for being the boss’ favorite. I’m really full of myself at that time (imagine a Senior Manager being envious of a mere trainee!) and I was stupid enough not to realize he’s saying things behind my back to the boss. One thing I learned in the workplace: speaking up may not be a great strategy, let alone speaking up for others. The workplace is a dog-eat-dog world and you just can’t afford to trust anybody.
As a mom of a young child, i recently had to deal with my son bullying another child. I never thought i would have to deal with a situation like this but unfortunaly it does happen. I dealt with it and told and kinda put him in a similar situtation, lets just he will never bully another child
You’re right, some people may not have the guts to accept their insufficiencies and their faults. And instead of accepting that fact, they’ll bully you and make you more misserable than they are.
What about the fact that we haven’t got the chance to listen to the other side of the story. It’s just a matter of looking things at a different angle, different perspective. Don’t worry, be happy.
Its good to deal with problems by having a chat. In my experience, men aren’t as inclined to get personal because the second they do..the gloves come off and they better be prepared to defend themselves. Unfortunatly bully’s only respect strength, and nothing but confrontation will make them stop. Honestly who cares why they are bullying you, why waste you time psychoanalyzing them? The only issues that are pertinant are that the behavior is innapropriate, and it needs to stop immidiatly
This is great advice for any and all open communication period. I’ve copied it and sent it to my soon-to-be-ex as a blue print for ourselves. Hope she’ll see it that way.
All bullies are either cowards or they are insecure. It happens at school, at work, or even at church.
This behavior falls under peer discrimination in employment law. Unfortunately it’s always the most peaceful person without problems that gets targeted by the jerk who loves to create conflict. Stuff employment cases are made of.
OMG, I also had been in your position many times! The last time it happen, I also stomped down on the notion of peace-talk with this sissy-like man who tried to bully me.
yes, I’ve done the things you do, like trying to open up 2 ways-communication, trying to save his feeling by saying sorry if I did wrong him in the past and yadda yadda….instead the next time he bragged to his friends “I’d never forgive anyone who says sorry to me no matter what, or trying to get close again with them, because I’ve known what kind of person she is!”
That’s the moment I realized that I’m dealing with high-schooler wannabe youngman whose 5 years my senior but feels like 15 years my junior, and I suspicious this is just his way of “re-living the old days”.
I let go as well. I got insight though….I’ve learned that these kind of bully…they have troubled past. In twisted logic, tney tried to make themselves feel better by releasing their anger and helplessness to others.
It’s like, they try to forget and bury their own pain. Their twisted logic makes them think that if they can make someone else feel bad and sad and suffering, then maybe they’d feel better. It’s like they’re trying to find sacrifical lambs. They think they can make someone suffer as their replacement, so they will feel better because someone else do the ‘crying’ instead of them.
I’m not interested in being a savior to these twisted people though. So I said my goodbye to them and never looked back again. Life is difficult enough without us having to be troubled by cowards who couldn’t face their own internal problems and turned into bully because of their twisted logic.
Yup. Been there, done that and it cost me my job in the end. I too strongly believed (still do) in open communication. I faced a very similar situation to yours, except that the peer I had the discussion with escalated to my boss, who defended me. Feeling totally abused and in my right, I escalated his attitude to his boss. I should’ve thought about it twice : his boss eventually became a big boss and discontinued my job. That is what standing up for myself got me!
The lesson I learned: never take things personaly in the workplace. Men are very good at that while women tend to want to fix things, communicate better and feel good. I don’t mean that abusive verbal behavior should be minimised or ignored, but standing for oneself by standing out is sometimes just not the best strategy. Unfortunately the corporate world rewards people who don’t make waves around them and keep an efficient, low-profile.
Since then I’ve observed how some tackle workplace issues and always appear as “the saviors”: they simply have enough self-confidence to know their value. Being sure of their value allows them to let-go and just let those people not get a grip on them.
Another lesson I learned: if my work is impaired because of a peer’s attitude, I inform my manager and let the problem solving to him/her. It is what they are paid for. And I protect my work by signaling that I am not the responsible if the final job is not satisfactory. But don’t go any further in trying to resolve yourself communication issues with peers. At least not in the workplace. On personal issues I remain convinced of the virtues of open communication!
This is one of those situations where I write a big fat letter. I think I’m going to send it when I write it, and take lots of time to make it say just exactly what I feel – but rarely wind up sending it. Which is probably a good thing. It does at least help get a little bit of closure to the person who actually deserves some. Mean people suck.
Reed, thanks…I needed that!
I just wanted to say that this blog is consistently awesome.