Brett's Blog: Dealing with Bullies
February 6, 2009 | by Brett Blumenthal | 59 Comments
Growing up, I was taught to be an open and honest communicator. It was expected. It was expected that if you had a problem, or if you had a conflict, that you discussed it. You didn’t whine about it. You didn’t sweep it under the rug. And, you didn’t act passively aggressively. Instead, you talked it out, you explained how you felt and you came up with ways to fix it or deal with it. Although as a child there were times that I thought our household did too much communicating, I now pride myself in being open, honest and forthright.
Recently, however, my belief in open communication turned against me. Over the last couple of months, I had noticed that my colleague (let’s call him Tom) started acting distant and dismissive. As peers, my work and his work needed to be integrated to get the job done. Yet, I constantly felt as though he wasn’t respecting me or including me in important discussions that were vital to the work we were doing. It became clear that it needed to be addressed, and I told him in a couple of ways, that I’d appreciate if he would ensure that I was part of these discussions. Ignoring these requests, Tom started displaying passive aggressive tendencies towards me and it was starting to affect the way we worked together. Finally, one interaction pushed me over the edge, causing me to want to address the situation immediately. I discreetly pulled Tom aside and told him that I detected something was wrong. Trying to be sensitive to Tom’s feelings and to avoid putting him on the defensive, I put the responsibility on me by saying that I hoped that I hadn’t done anything to offend him. This plan backfired.
Instead of taking my gesture as an opening to an honest two-way dialogue, Tom used this opportunity to bully me. I patiently listened until it was obvious he was through, making sure that I let him fully express himself. When he was done, I apologized for how he felt and started to explain how I was feeling. He quickly made it clear that he didn’t care. All of the feelings I had been feeling for the better part of two months, were completely dismissed. Further, he was quick to let me know that he had no intention of taking any responsibility for any part of the situation, implying that the problem was completely my fault. I came away feeling stomped on, deflated and disrespected. Not quite the outcome I had hoped for.
Although I believe that open communication is the key to successful relationships, this interaction made me realize that it doesn’t work with everyone. Although I do think speaking with Tom was better than not saying anything at all, it obviously didn’t accomplish what I had hoped it would.
Tom was given the gift of closure; he got to express everything he felt. I on the other hand, didn’t get to express much of anything and as a result, was left feeling even worse than I did before the discussion. In hindsight, I feel that I left it all on the table, without any recourse or ability to defend myself. I feel that I gave him an opening to put me down and to belittle me. And, I feel that he completely took advantage of me and the situation.
There were a lot of things left unsaid, and I so wish I could have another opportunity to tell Tom what I really think. Instead, I have to let it go. Letting go is SO hard! Especially when you feel that you’ve been beat-up with no ability to defend yourself. The only thing you can really do in these situations, I guess, is to learn from them, so that maybe history doesn’t repeat itself. Here were the lessons I learned:
- Mutual Respect: If you embark on an open dialogue with someone, make sure that both of you respect one another. If a person doesn’t respect you, talking to them may fall on deaf ears, and you may find yourself in a worse off position.
- Be Prepared: If you attempt to resolve a conflict, prepare yourself for the possibility of it not going as you would expect. Otherwise, you may not get all that you wanted out of the conversation. Create a list of the things you want to address to ensure that you get to make all the points you want to make.
- It Takes Two to Communicate: If the person is not a big communicator to begin with, it might be a sign that the conversation may not go as you hope. It was clear to me that open communication was not in Tom’s repertoire unless it was one-way.
- Sharing Requires Caring: If the person you are hoping to speak with is not interested in your feelings or concerns, you may be left feeling empty. If the person doesn’t care, it isn’t worth the emotional investment. Stick to the facts and don’t let emotions get involved.
- Timing: When we are upset and want to talk about something, it is important to take some time to really think through how we are going to have the conversation. I reacted emotionally, wanting to solve something on the spot. As a result, I didn’t really think through how I would approach him or where we would have the conversation. Instead, it was on the fly and in a setting that didn’t lend itself to having a thorough conversation.
- Self Confidence: We all have moments where we lack confidence, but if someone has self esteem issues deep down at the core, they will mask it by being a bully or pointing fingers…and not taking any responsibility for anything themselves. In this case, I suspect that Tom has issues that have nothing to do with me, and instead of acknowledging that maybe he was partially wrong in the situation, he had to make himself look and feel better by placing all of the blame on me.
Replaying the conversation in my head, I realize that I totally enabled his behavior. I didn’t stand up for myself, because I was blindsided by his attack. If you think you want to have a conversation with someone, be sure to respect yourself in the process. You are the only one who is going to stand up for yourself!
Have you had a situation that was similar? Did you open a conversation with someone only to find that they didn’t value or respect you?
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The title of this post is “Dealing with Bullies” but there is no advice at all on how to deal with people who bully. You are simply saying be prepared for the worst when dealing with this type of person and learn from your mistake when you make it confronting them. Doesn’t sound like you dealt with anything at all.
I want to thank Brett, Need to Say This, and everyone else: I desperately needed to read this today. Maybe it was a Godsend. I am dealing with 2 people in my life who are bullying me. I am not sure exactly what to do. I want to go forward in my life away from them but they are making up lies to others to take control.They have contacted my past and present Landlords, making up lies so that my apartment gets checked every Monday. They know all about my mail and who I mail mail to. They are both concerned about me taking legal action against them for different reasons, so in the meantime they are making my life miserable. Right now I am isolated from everyone. They are both bullies and sociopaths because they will look you straight in the eye and lie to you without blinking an eye. Someone told me to ignore them and that everything will pass. I don’t believe it because they have already had the freedom to do what they have done since I have kept my mouth shut. They have contacted my alma mater and EVERYONE that I have every met. I see that they have been doing this now for at least the last 2 years. I am gravely concerned about my future and how to stop all of this. I just don’ know what the best approach should be. I want so much for a happy ending. I want to go forward and have a life and get a job. I am very concerned.
Do not let people take advantage of you. and do not let people disrespect you – regardless of what they believe they are bringing to your table expecially if it is MONEY
I thinnk this makes for excellent reading. It shows you how you operate with people and perhaps how some people operate with you. You can make some serious decisions to stay away fom people, particularly those people who you are now forgiging a relationship with, especially if they are exhibiting some of these traits, more than that if they have more than one of these toxic traits.
Awesome article. Truthful, touching, and inspiring.
The best way to deal with a bully is to beat the living crap out of them to show your not going to take their crap anymore.
I’d like to thank Brett for having the courage to write this article. I think this discussion surely helped alot of people. However, I also think, and I say this with All Empathy Brett, it’s a mistake to wear your heart on your sleeve in front of the wrong people. Wanting to communicate honestly and openly is an admirable aspiration. But we don’t live in a perfect world.
Many people will take advantage of an open person. They will use your sensitive spots against you. You leave yourself open to cruelty and bullying. I wish it weren’t that way, but not everyone came from a family as obviously emotionally healthy as yours was.With many people, especially in the business world, it’s smart to play your cards close to your chest.
With managers, I have found that telling them just what they need to know, and no more, works best for the employee. With fellow employees..it depends. Some people are mature enough that you can confide almost anything with them. Others will have a melt down if you disagree with whether it will rain that day or not!
I mean..it’s pathetic how insecure some people are. They may feel secretly threatened by you for any number of reasons..you’re pretty, you’re better educated than they are, you make more money than they do,you have a boyfriend and they don’t, you wear more expensive clothes than they do, you exude more confidence in yourself…Anything! Who the heck knows!
It’s not our job to psychoanalyze these idiots. However, the watch word is “protect yourself”. Be open only with those who won’t kick you for it. God Bless to All!
please disregard the typos. sorry
I work at this job where people bully me when it comes to me going to the bathroom and to lunch. I feel that I have been made to tell them how long I’m going to be and what I will be doing in there. When ever I go to the bathroom which is no more often than anyone else it appears that I’m being followed. I have ran to the bathroom and ran back in an effort to only be gone for minute or less since other co-workers have gone behind my back and said that I was in the bathroom for more than five minutes. I tried to discuss the issue with a co-worker and she had another co-worker present at the time in which she made false comments about me being ten minutes late infront of the custermers. My boss pulled my time sheet and said no that is not true I will talk to your co-worker. However, my boss expressed her absolute confussion of the complaints of me being away from my work erea for exstremly long periods of time. As I told her that I do make it known when I’m going to that bathroom and that I do not stop anywhere else. I even time myself.
None of the other co-workers have to deal with this bathroom or lunch issue of being falsly acussed. They come and go as they please and they do theire job in the best way that they see fit. However, I am also bullied when it comes to doing my job as I am told no you can’t do that I want to you can change the menial grunge tasks. If I come up with an idea I will not be given the opertunity to do as a co-worker will take my idea and use it for themselves an refuse to give me credit. I have been told that the custers give me to many gifts. I have even been questioned about how a custermer let me pick my gift and that I should bring it in so they can see it. I have even sted that it is indeed the same gift just a diffrent flavor or color.
I am finding it extremely stressful to work in this environment and I know that I am being harassed and I would like to know if there are any legal steps that I could take if this continues. I am set to have a meeting with the person that told me to my face that I’m late ten minutes everyday and the other people that have said that i leave my work space for large chunks of time have not come forward as of yet and they have remained a mystery. I was told by my boss that any complaints should first be discussed away from the customers directly to the co-worker and then it should come to her if it is not working. this way has not been practiced by these co-workers just me. I really would like for the mystery accusers to come forward I don’t know why they are hiding from me. I tell them when I’m going to the bathroom for what I am going to do in their, and still they wrongly accuse me with out ever coming forward. It is my boss who tells me about the complaints without ever naming names. Should I request that my accusers come forward and meet in her office so that I can hear their bathroom time complaints face to face?
I feel that the co-workers would be happy if I danced around until I couldn’t hold my bodily functions anymore and defecating on my self. This bathroom bulling with time is humiliating and demeaning to me.
Thanks for all of your comments. To those interested in Tom’s story, I’m not Tom, I’m me. And although he has his side of the story, this isn’t Tom’s blog. My point in writing the blog, however, was to discuss bullying in general and the idea of open communication…the story was purely an illustrative example. Hence the end points of the post.
We will never know what happened untill we hear the other side of the story & I bet this is not the first or last time SHE will have this problem.
Oh and further, she didn’t say he was a bully until after he attacked her. She never said that he was a bully when he was distant and dismissive.
Stewart and Voice of Reason. If you read the blog, you’ll see that Brett asks him what SHE may have done to offend him. “I discreetly pulled Tom aside and told him that I detected something was wrong. Trying to be sensitive to Tom’s feelings and to avoid putting him on the defensive, I put the responsibility on me by saying that I hoped that I hadn’t done anything to offend him.” How the heck is Brett wrong here? It amazes me how people don’t read the blog, and then attacks the blogger.
Did anyone ever think that it was Tom standing up to you & you speaking your mind. Its funny that people believe that they have this right to say whatever they want without any consequence. The mind can have a lot of garbage & should not be allowed to be spoken at times. Maybe your blunt honesty could be construed as a controlling, judgmental & bullying too! I would love to be a fly on the wall to hear what actually took place & I am sure you have similar opinions against you but people won’t say what they feel. The smarter people will say nothing to you, but wait for you to come to your end just like the other person who commentated came to theirs. I think you also have your problems that you need to deal with to & sort out. Before you try to change everything around you change yourself & maybe you will find your life will have a lot less conflicts
part 2:
“Bullying is the act of intentionally causing harm to others, through verbal harassment, physical assault, or other more subtle methods of coercion such as manipulation.” -Wikipedia
Someone who is “distant and dismissive” does not fit into this category. These are avoidance tactics. Tom obviously has issues including unprofessionalism but he should not be labelled as a bully. By labelling him as such puts Brett into a counter-attack mode meant to put this “bully” in his place, and thus may have attacked too harshly or at the wrong issues, perhaps sub-conciously. I’ve noticed that nowhere in the article did Brett state what Tom’s view of the problems were, nor did she mention any specifics about how Tom was actually being a bully.
I do think that Brett TRIED to behave very professionally in the one-on-one confrontation, and kudos to her.
To “Seriously”: Attacking me is not the professionalism you speak so highly of. This is only my point of view against someone else’s point of view. I appreciate and agree with your assessment of Bretts actions.
I can very much relate to this! I had a family member who was brought up to believe that the rest of the family was there solely to fulfill his needs. He saw members of the family as “opportunities” to be used and abused. His empathy for what anyone else was going through was Totally Absent. He didn’t even See other people, much less attempt to relate to what they were going through.
This person is healthy, Not a substance abuser, a college graduate, and very intelligent. Yet, he will consistently try to dominate, manipulate, and bully other members of the family..because..that truly Is the Mystery. Possibly he has issues with self esteem that go very deep.
Possibly he is a manic-depressive..although he has been on anti-depressants for years. The medications help him to stay calm, yet his world view of “Me First” has not subsided. You can’t “medicate” faulty thinking. There is no prescription for stopping and truly comprehending the horribly negative impact you have on others. You just have to want to do it. He doesn’t!!
This individual does not believe in “talk therapy”. He believes he is much more informed and clever than any psychologist..more’s the pity. I can’t tell you how many psychologists he has seen, and ended up arguing with them Instead of Listening!
My ultimate solution? I removed myself from him..for good. No phone calls, no emails, no asking other family members “how he is”..I haven’t spoken to him in many years. Was it worth it? Absolutely! He’s a lost soul as far as I’m concerned and I’m not going down with him. Would I have liked things to have been different? Sure, but they weren’t.
I’ve been through alot in my life. I’ve earned the right to NOT be harrassed, ridiculed, taken advantage of, manipulated, or bullied. The only way to stop the cycle (cause, folks, it takes Two to make a dysfunctional relationship) is to step back, cut your losses and Just Leave It Alone.
The former bully will be shocked at first..but it’ll sink in. You’ve had enough. You have a right to enforce your boundaries. If you don’t, there are hundreds of misguided people who will want a piece of you. Sound harsh? It’s a little bit of pure Darwinism..survival of the one who knows when to fold ‘em and just walk. Don’t get mad, just GET AWAY. It could save your life some day. God Bless!
Great article – well said!
My favorite tactic (and yes, being sarcastic) done to me is to CONSTANTLY bring sideways elements or topics into the argument as though they actually mattered. This gets me not only having to talk about those elements – usually only in a means to get BACK on topic, unless it’s close enough to topic that I have to address it – but derails my thought process and what I need to say to them to get the actual point across.
Eventually, interjecting enough non-topic points into the conversation, things get incredibly muddled, and they get me SO off balance and angry I start getting things wrong – which they jump ALL OVER and use to their advantage, bringing me down further and further, and derailing the conversation further and further, derailing any shred of a point I may have had. By then end of what started out as a conversation, I’m left feeling violently trampled on – and having to end the argument before I say something I’ll regret, never having made my point to them, and they happily (metaphorically – they’re ticked, but I mean this in a “satisfied” capacity) leave knowing they have “won”.
And I’m left stewing for days. Yay… Some people just don’t know how to communicate with others in a constructive way.
Wow, true blog and lot of great responses. I think the bullies with the past-issues sometimes have to be put in their place when it’s in the work place. Sometimes the things have to be immediately said to them to make them start to look at themselves, other times they are so closed off nothing you say will matter and they’ll turn it against you. I am in workplace issues, over apologizing for something I may have done with these types of people which have become easier and easier to pick out early on.
Generally…I avoid them and do my work. If our work is entertwined, I make sure the higher up sees my part is done and knows I can only do what I can and ask them if there is something they’d like me to do or if there is anything they can do.
When it comes to personal relationships, it’s good to know how most guys view things and vice versa-Mark Gungor has some really funny and TRUEEE insights on that lol. However much the few rude people ruin it for the world, open communication is still the best policy. When asked “What Would Jesus Do?” I say well…when it was time to speak to certain people at certain times He did, and other times, He remained silent and He stood with the world against Him just knowing Who He was and that He was doing what God asked Him to do. Good way for us all to do things and look at them, regardless what your faith is…best example has been set.
i realized long ago that kindness is only for those who care and matter and thus deserve it. others need to earn and prove worthiness to my favor. we all learn sadly from ill-mannered people that not everyone is willing to play by the rules of etiquette, grace or manners. we can only assume these people suffer greatly in other areas of their life, where swinging a sledgehammer is no way to honor a butterfly
Voice of Reason. Are you serious? Brett was acting in a professional way. She had to work with him and he was making it difficult. What else was she supposed to do? Report him? Taking action and going into a one-on-one conversation is much less threatening to someone than having their boss make a huge deal out of it. Tom obviously has issues…probably suffers from insecurity…maybe like you. If he was healthy minded, he probably would have listened to Brett’s side AND appreciated the fact that she was giving him an outlet to open up and provide her with a window into what the issue was. Instead, he lashed out at her and verbally abused her. Voice of Reason…get a life.