I thought your comment about WWJD? was right on target.
About 10 years ago, I was in the midst of a really bad workplace bully- fest. The target was on my back. I was the primary breadwinner for the family (yes, I am female!). It was really bad. I was trying to be rational and politically correct, however it did not work. The bullies colluded w/one another. We had relocated to another state for this job, my job. A wonderful, older and wiser co-worker quoted some scripture to me that enabled me to hold steady and plug on:

“Greater is He than that which is in the World”.

My coworker loaned me a gold cross which I wore under my shirts!

People can be so good. Yes, there are some angels out there, and my family is now back “home” where our roots are. (Our home state of Texas)

I have moved on to teaching and met some really “golden” teachers, too.

God Bless!

You have a right to face your accusers. Anything short of that is harassment.

I was once in a situation like yours. I worked for the government, and there was only a 1% causasion component working there. The greater racial component pulled something like that against me, in order TO RUN ME OUT, in order to eliminate that 1% component.

Statements made to me made me realize that.

I possess 3 university degrees; the average worker there possessed a high school diploma. Needless to say, our personalities did not fit. Further, I discovered that violations of state and federal law were routinely committed by other employees – I will not commit any crimes in the course of my work; furthermore, I will not stay there and put myself in the position of potentially being arrested as an accessory to a crime. Therefore, I left.

You may be in this same position and not even realize it.

I resigned because I deserve better treatment than that, and also can earn more money using professional licenses, or working in the private sector where education is revered – it is not appreciated in government, since governmental entities are NOT productive.

You can try to fight the case of the bullies stalking you, but you will probably lose, since your supervisor is an idiot to even listen to the bullies’ later complaints, after she had earlier ascertained that you did not come in late, contrary to the bullies’ earlier assertions.

I would suggest that you leave your company and move UP into a position where you will be surrounded by people as honorable as you. I believe that right now, you are under-employed for your abilities, since emotional stability usually accompanies a higher intellect: realize you are currently in a work position where you are surrounded by emotionally unstable people, and you just don’t FIT IN.

First: I am not “nice.” I act like a law enforcement officer in my demeanor: speak in monotone and say only what is pertient to my work as it relates to the bully – if there is no link, I make that clear, turn and walk away.

Second: I reveal no personal information about myself – I say that I am busy on a project.

Third: If the bully tries to provoke me, I look at them grimly and silently walk away.

As a result, I have had many people ask me if I am a Vice President or FBI, although I am not. I get PROMOTED.

I am a woman, but act like a “man” would – that is the secret.

I do not go to work to make friends, but to earn money. Period.

The bullies find me boring, and look for another target.

If a bully impeded my work, I go up the chain of command and report the bully; when I submit the complaint, I also provide evidence of the damage the bully has created by their behavior.

I do this in my personal life as well. I went shopping for electronics, and the salesman slghtly helped me, then ignored my order. I submitted a complaint to the HQ of the company, including a copy of the receipts from another store I went to later, to get better service. The receipts totalled $3,000. At that point, HQ saw that inappropriate sales performance by the bully cost the company $3,000. He was probably fired.

None of the other co-workers have to deal with this bathroom or lunch issue of being falsly acussed. They come and go as they please and they do theire job in the best way that they see fit. However, I am also bullied when it comes to doing my job as I am told no you can’t do that I want to you can change the menial grunge tasks. If I come up with an idea I will not be given the opertunity to do as a co-worker will take my idea and use it for themselves an refuse to give me credit. I have been told that the custers give me to many gifts. I have even been questioned about how a custermer let me pick my gift and that I should bring it in so they can see it. I have even sted that it is indeed the same gift just a diffrent flavor or color.

I am finding it extremely stressful to work in this environment and I know that I am being harassed and I would like to know if there are any legal steps that I could take if this continues. I am set to have a meeting with the person that told me to my face that I’m late ten minutes everyday and the other people that have said that i leave my work space for large chunks of time have not come forward as of yet and they have remained a mystery. I was told by my boss that any complaints should first be discussed away from the customers directly to the co-worker and then it should come to her if it is not working. this way has not been practiced by these co-workers just me. I really would like for the mystery accusers to come forward I don’t know why they are hiding from me. I tell them when I’m going to the bathroom for what I am going to do in their, and still they wrongly accuse me with out ever coming forward. It is my boss who tells me about the complaints without ever naming names. Should I request that my accusers come forward and meet in her office so that I can hear their bathroom time complaints face to face?

I feel that the co-workers would be happy if I danced around until I couldn’t hold my bodily functions anymore and defecating on my self. This bathroom bulling with time is humiliating and demeaning to me.

Someone who is “distant and dismissive” does not fit into this category. These are avoidance tactics. Tom obviously has issues including unprofessionalism but he should not be labelled as a bully. By labelling him as such puts Brett into a counter-attack mode meant to put this “bully” in his place, and thus may have attacked too harshly or at the wrong issues, perhaps sub-conciously. I’ve noticed that nowhere in the article did Brett state what Tom’s view of the problems were, nor did she mention any specifics about how Tom was actually being a bully.

I do think that Brett TRIED to behave very professionally in the one-on-one confrontation, and kudos to her.

To “Seriously”: Attacking me is not the professionalism you speak so highly of. This is only my point of view against someone else’s point of view. I appreciate and agree with your assessment of Bretts actions.

My favorite tactic (and yes, being sarcastic) done to me is to CONSTANTLY bring sideways elements or topics into the argument as though they actually mattered. This gets me not only having to talk about those elements – usually only in a means to get BACK on topic, unless it’s close enough to topic that I have to address it – but derails my thought process and what I need to say to them to get the actual point across.

Eventually, interjecting enough non-topic points into the conversation, things get incredibly muddled, and they get me SO off balance and angry I start getting things wrong – which they jump ALL OVER and use to their advantage, bringing me down further and further, and derailing the conversation further and further, derailing any shred of a point I may have had. By then end of what started out as a conversation, I’m left feeling violently trampled on – and having to end the argument before I say something I’ll regret, never having made my point to them, and they happily (metaphorically – they’re ticked, but I mean this in a “satisfied” capacity) leave knowing they have “won”.

And I’m left stewing for days. Yay… Some people just don’t know how to communicate with others in a constructive way.

Generally…I avoid them and do my work. If our work is entertwined, I make sure the higher up sees my part is done and knows I can only do what I can and ask them if there is something they’d like me to do or if there is anything they can do.

When it comes to personal relationships, it’s good to know how most guys view things and vice versa-Mark Gungor has some really funny and TRUEEE insights on that lol. However much the few rude people ruin it for the world, open communication is still the best policy. When asked “What Would Jesus Do?” I say well…when it was time to speak to certain people at certain times He did, and other times, He remained silent and He stood with the world against Him just knowing Who He was and that He was doing what God asked Him to do. Good way for us all to do things and look at them, regardless what your faith is…best example has been set.

Some people are very sensitive to others and would interpret your obviously direct method of communication to be intimidating and somewhat threatening. It was YOU who took him aside and told him you were upset. I get the impression Tom was unloading his issues he had with you, which he had kept bottled up until you forced his hand so to speak.

Good Grief, this is definitely a one sided story. I see Tom’s side as a reflection of my own as I am a sensitive person as well and his actions have mirrored some of my own.

I guess the main thing I learned is that it’s good to have open and honest comunication….if the other person is worthy of it.

In every relationship it is always hard to divorce your own feelings from what is happening. And yet, the skill of being able to do his is where your true power lays.

Because once you can step outside the story you have going in your head and ask what I call the power question:

Why would a reasonable and honorable person act this way?

It can open you up to viewing the situation from a different perspective. 97% of people you will touch in your lifetime are reasonable and honorable in most circumstances … they haven’t set out to make others life miserable. It’s just they are caught up in their own needs, desires and fears.

Asking this power question enables you to set aside your own powerful (and normally negative) story, long enough to view the world from the other’s perspective.

Once you do this it frees you up to start the dialogue with them in a different way.

Certainly it can be challenging when you find yourself in a situation where you feel beaten up, put upon and wronged. Rest easy though there are a set of skills anyone can learn to more effectively weave your way through these tricky situations.

There are books and websites filled with information on how to do it.

yes, I’ve done the things you do, like trying to open up 2 ways-communication, trying to save his feeling by saying sorry if I did wrong him in the past and yadda yadda….instead the next time he bragged to his friends “I’d never forgive anyone who says sorry to me no matter what, or trying to get close again with them, because I’ve known what kind of person she is!”

That’s the moment I realized that I’m dealing with high-schooler wannabe youngman whose 5 years my senior but feels like 15 years my junior, and I suspicious this is just his way of “re-living the old days”.

I let go as well. I got insight though….I’ve learned that these kind of bully…they have troubled past. In twisted logic, tney tried to make themselves feel better by releasing their anger and helplessness to others.
It’s like, they try to forget and bury their own pain. Their twisted logic makes them think that if they can make someone else feel bad and sad and suffering, then maybe they’d feel better. It’s like they’re trying to find sacrifical lambs. They think they can make someone suffer as their replacement, so they will feel better because someone else do the ‘crying’ instead of them.

I’m not interested in being a savior to these twisted people though. So I said my goodbye to them and never looked back again. Life is difficult enough without us having to be troubled by cowards who couldn’t face their own internal problems and turned into bully because of their twisted logic.

The lesson I learned: never take things personaly in the workplace. Men are very good at that while women tend to want to fix things, communicate better and feel good. I don’t mean that abusive verbal behavior should be minimised or ignored, but standing for oneself by standing out is sometimes just not the best strategy. Unfortunately the corporate world rewards people who don’t make waves around them and keep an efficient, low-profile.

Since then I’ve observed how some tackle workplace issues and always appear as “the saviors”: they simply have enough self-confidence to know their value. Being sure of their value allows them to let-go and just let those people not get a grip on them.

Another lesson I learned: if my work is impaired because of a peer’s attitude, I inform my manager and let the problem solving to him/her. It is what they are paid for. And I protect my work by signaling that I am not the responsible if the final job is not satisfactory. But don’t go any further in trying to resolve yourself communication issues with peers. At least not in the workplace. On personal issues I remain convinced of the virtues of open communication!