Brett's Blog: Out of Bounds: Dealing with People Who Break Boundaries
October 30, 2009 | by Brett Blumenthal | 15 Comments
Most people have a sense of what is and isn’t appropriate when it comes to respecting boundaries. However, we are bound to find individuals who don’t. These people are abusive…and if we don’t deal with them properly, they will continue to break boundaries time and time again.
As much as we strive for healthy relationships, we inevitably encounter individuals who are bullies, toxic or just plain manipulative. Some of these people KNOW what they are doing, but often, most “just don’t get it:” They have little-to-no self-awareness and feel that they are fully entitled or appropriate in their behavior. And what’s worse is that they frequently get away with it because others don’t stand up to them. This enables boundary breakers and convinces them that their behavior is acceptable. Here’s a news flash: It ISN’T.
The best thing you can do is firmly establish boundaries. You’ll feel better about yourself and your relationship. Further, you won’t have to succumb to their inappropriate behavior over and over again:
- Know Who You Are Dealing with: The first step in this process is to identify those individuals who don’t respect your boundaries. Doing so will keep you on the look-out for times that boundaries need to be reinforced or put into place.
- Tune-in: Start paying attention to how these people typically break boundaries. Some questions to ask: Are they pushy? Do they ask questions you feel uncomfortable answering? Do they discuss things with you that are inappropriate? Do they disregard your wishes or needs? Do they always prioritize their needs before yours?
- Trust Your Gut: If you aren’t sure as to whether or not a boundary is being broken, stop thinking and start feeling. Does something feel awkward, uncomfortable or wrong? Can you feel an adrenaline rush, but aren’t sure why? Do you feel nauseous during the discussion? At times, our guts have better listening skills than our ears. If you can feel a visceral reaction to the conversation at hand, you can be pretty sure that something isn’t right.
- Think First, Speak Second: Once you realize boundaries are being broken, think about how you want to react. Reacting without thinking through your position and what you want as an outcome can lead to an unresolved situation, potential “room for discussion” or more broken boundaries down the line.
- State Your Position: Tell the person who is breaking a boundary that they are indeed breaking a boundary. Sugar-coating it…hemming and hawing…playing nice…politely saying no…often doesn’t work with people who perpetually break boundaries. Unfortunately, many of these boundary breakers don’t have a clue as to the fact that they are crossing a line. The more obvious you can be, the better.
- Don’t Back Down: If the person continues to push you on a topic, tell them the topic “isn’t up for discussion.” The more you stand your ground, the less likely the person will continue to try to push you on things in the future. No means no. Inappropriate is inappropriate. And, boundaries are boundaries.
The more you set boundaries, the easier it will get. Do you have boundary breakers in your life? How do you handle the situation?
Stop Dieting and Lose Weight for Good! Eat healthy and Drop Excess Weight with #1 Bestseller "GET REAL" and STOP Dieting! - the most simple, straightforward, no-nonsense plan that reveals how to eat healthy today, tomorrow and always...without dieting! BUY IT NOW!
Wake up, Amy! Your comments only serve to demonstrate your ignorance about “boundaries”. You are not only ill-informed, but you also sound like a push-over! Contrary to the BS that you have been drip-fed, boundaries allow us to set limits on what we either will, or will not accept from others, thereby creating AUTHENTIC relationships with others = NOT “cold, rigid, or artificial”! Educate yourself, & “grow a backbone”! It is people like you who take the “human movement” back a century! Heaven help your children, if you have any?!!!
hey! great article! thanks brett! this is for the people talking about their parents. or anyone else we can’t change. i recently read a book about boundries and it said that if we have an expectation at the end of our boundries, then that is manipulation. i like that and needed to hear that. toxic people are toxic people. boundries are for us, and not to control other persons, places or things. when we set a boundry, it is not so someone can “obey” them. boundries–well, let me rephrase that–HEALTHY boundries are for US. if people break them disrespect them, whatever–it’s up to us to CHOOSE what to do. i like the woman who wrote about her 5 inches of property. she is so right. all she can do is re-instate her boundries with composure and compassion. what the neighbor does she cannot control. another option is she can sell her house and move, but then she might be giving her power away. unless she WANTS to move because it’s interfering with her peace and serenity. i’m learning that we can’t control other people. we can only control ourselves. today, i get to choose how much effort i want to place in certain situations. sure, i can still get triggered and angry when my boundires are crossed. but today, i have better awareness of when it happens and work on MY stuff by keeping the focus on MY needs and do my best not to play God and fix who they are. by keeping it simple, I keep myself safe.
@Becky
That was really well-put as a description of what boundaries are and how they are different depending on the level of trust. Great analogy!
I have an almost humorous story about boundaries. My next-door neighbor used to take care of the man who lived in my house, in his later years, and all I can figure is she thought he would leave the house to her. When I bought it (from his family), she was still in my yard – well into my yard – watering trees, etc. She thought she was being helpful. Of course, all the trees she planted actually just looked great from her windows and I had to take some of them out! I ended up fencing my property to set the boundary physically.
Now I found out that exterior steps she had added on are over the property line, as well as drainage pipes she buried (shallowly). She really cannot see why I don’t just let her have 5′. Other neighbors, she wakes at 6:00 am to inform them that their trash cans were used by someone else…the neighborhood was woken by the tirade of the man she woke who has a new baby they had finally gotten to sleep. All she said to him was, “Just trying to be a good neighbor!” What I finally realized is that her parents probably had no boundaries with her, so she literally doesn’t understand the concept.
I no longer “hate” her for the intrusions, but am extremely CLEAR with her (and I “invoke higher authority” such as building codes and laws), and use NO emotionality at all. I just repeat and repeat my position calmly and impersonally, with no malice.
And I keep my sense of humor and a little bit of compassion. But I do not give an inch – it would turn into 5′.
What do you do when the constant boundary breaker is your parent? We have had numerous conversations, had counselors talk to him about his behavior, cut him out of our lives and our childrens lives for periods of time and yet he still goes through the boundaries we have set on his interaction with our children, namely our oldest and he will tell you he really doesn’t care if we like it or not. My mom is so codependent she says nothing and does nothing to reign in his behavior. He is making my life miserable. What do you do with someone like that?
This describes my father-in-law to a T! He has no boundaries whatsoever and when I try to put them in place he crosses them with no problem and I have no support from my husband because he doesn’t think his father is doing anything wrong. My two biggest peeves are when he shows up at our home whenever he pleases or when we stop in to his home (with his consent) he makes a thanksgiving sized dinner after we tell him not to and then makes us feel guilty because he cooked for us. This man does not know the meaning of the word “NO”! I believe my husband is just used to accommodating to his father, but I am not and most certainly will not start to. Anyway, the way I react is with an adrenaline rush and I pretty much this article describes everything in my situation. I just wish it had better ideas on how to handle it.
This is a very good article some of us really need. San, my mother in law is also quite pushy & selfish as well. Fortunately, she lives in another state. We set excessive phone call boundaries with her by accepting her calls every 2 wks only (holidays, b’days are extra). If need be, we can accomodate her flexibly, as boundaries are not walls. We had to buy a special phone, to show who is calling, etc. It is working pretty well. She is still psychically invasive, but I just try not to bring her into my reality, or my marriage. She is his mother and has certain rights and times, but she is not allowed in all the time, like she would like. Ring, ring? sorry, lv a msg.!
How about, just don’t let them in your life? Don’t socialize with people who break your boundaries. Cut them off socially, period.
How about if such a person is your mature brother, who knows very well how to push your most sensitive buttons to put you down and destroy your self esteem? How do you get rid of your brother???
This is for Amy:
Think of boundaries as clothing. Why do we wear clothes? To keep warm, to protect from the elements, to protect our modesty from the stares of strangers. The purpose of a boundary is for PROTECTION, not EXCLUSION. We can remove our clothes whenever we wish, as with a lover, or in the shower. Boundaries are the same way. With strangers, we have more and wider boundaries than we do with those closest with us. Trust has a lot to do with boundaries. The whole point is that WE choose where our boundaries are, and then ask that others respect that choice. Just as it is wrong for another to tear off our clothes without our consent, it wrong for others to violate our boundaries without our consent and why we feel uncomfortable when they do! In fact, the mere fact that you feel uncomfortable with another’s behavior tells you that they are, in fact, violating your boundary, whether you have a name for that boundary or not. A wall is for shutting the world out, a boundary simply draws the line between where the world ends, and you begin. Some people just don’t understand where they end and you begin and will treat “you” as though you were part of “them”.
Boundaries in a relationship are artifical, cold, and rigid. In my relationships, I am genuine, warm, and accomodating. I have no desire to create so-called boundaries which in reality are walls to keep people with which you are having relationships at arm’s length. It is much better to have no limits in your relationships.
This man is cyber-stalking you and there are laws regarding this. Take some action to protect yourself, like a restraining order. This is not about love, but about control, insecurity, insanity and so on.
Very often, people who repeatedly disregard others’ boundaries are narcissists – possibly to the extreme of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Thinking you can deal with them as you deal with others won’t work, such as asking politely for respect, showing respect for THEIR boundaries, etc. Expecting them to change won’t work, either. You have to be very firm in your mind, that you are no longer going to accept their behavior, and communicate this very clearly to them, as repeatedly and relentlessly as they have repeatedly and relentlessly disregarded your boundaries.
This describes my mother in law to a T!!!! Unfortunately, I am not very assertive and shy away..and my husband up until recently doesn’t really seem to notice…and the big pushy bully she is just gets bigger and bigger.
This is awsume, This really puts a spot light on the very thing I have done, & still do, in a 38 year friendship. I never understood what my friend was ever talking about, It always felt like finger pointing, Or what was wrong with me(The echos of my parents). Three heart attacks later, & 4+ years of therapy, I am really doing my best with becoming self aware & stopping the BS, For those of you out there (& you know who you are) There is a way to break the scheama, Stop PMSing(Poor Me Syndrom) That’s all, Oh stupying the Tao Te Ching is another great tool.
I dated (briefly) a man who tried to bully me. I met him 5 years ago, and he continues to stalk me on the phone and via the Internet. He continues to send invites to all my on-line accounts and activities. I could tell he was verbally abusive after dating him, but I can’t get him to go away. I have kept a file of all his attempts to contact me and have ample evidence. What can I do, legally, to stop his stalking?