I have an almost humorous story about boundaries. My next-door neighbor used to take care of the man who lived in my house, in his later years, and all I can figure is she thought he would leave the house to her. When I bought it (from his family), she was still in my yard – well into my yard – watering trees, etc. She thought she was being helpful. Of course, all the trees she planted actually just looked great from her windows and I had to take some of them out! I ended up fencing my property to set the boundary physically.

Now I found out that exterior steps she had added on are over the property line, as well as drainage pipes she buried (shallowly). She really cannot see why I don’t just let her have 5′. Other neighbors, she wakes at 6:00 am to inform them that their trash cans were used by someone else…the neighborhood was woken by the tirade of the man she woke who has a new baby they had finally gotten to sleep. All she said to him was, “Just trying to be a good neighbor!” What I finally realized is that her parents probably had no boundaries with her, so she literally doesn’t understand the concept.

I no longer “hate” her for the intrusions, but am extremely CLEAR with her (and I “invoke higher authority” such as building codes and laws), and use NO emotionality at all. I just repeat and repeat my position calmly and impersonally, with no malice.

And I keep my sense of humor and a little bit of compassion. But I do not give an inch – it would turn into 5′.

Think of boundaries as clothing. Why do we wear clothes? To keep warm, to protect from the elements, to protect our modesty from the stares of strangers. The purpose of a boundary is for PROTECTION, not EXCLUSION. We can remove our clothes whenever we wish, as with a lover, or in the shower. Boundaries are the same way. With strangers, we have more and wider boundaries than we do with those closest with us. Trust has a lot to do with boundaries. The whole point is that WE choose where our boundaries are, and then ask that others respect that choice. Just as it is wrong for another to tear off our clothes without our consent, it wrong for others to violate our boundaries without our consent and why we feel uncomfortable when they do! In fact, the mere fact that you feel uncomfortable with another’s behavior tells you that they are, in fact, violating your boundary, whether you have a name for that boundary or not. A wall is for shutting the world out, a boundary simply draws the line between where the world ends, and you begin. Some people just don’t understand where they end and you begin and will treat “you” as though you were part of “them”.