If you really think about it, once in awhile you come across a person who knocks you off your socks…legitimately.  Maybe they have the best outlook on life, maybe they are really wealthy but you would never know it, maybe they make you feel special.  There is a good chance that many of these people possess a few, if not all of the traits mentioned below.  (Although I could probably list a dozen characteristics, I thought I’d list those that seem to be the rarest or most difficult to find in others.)

1. Selflessness: In a world where many people don’t have the time or the interest in others, selflessness is a quality that seems to be less and less common.  People can be selfless in the time they give, the ability to listen, their level of patience and the love that they give.  Those who are giving and generous in nature have the power to make others feel loved, appreciated and special.  While those who are self-absorbed tend to do the exact opposite.
2. Tolerance: Those people who are tolerant make us feel comfortable with who we are and special as individuals.  All of us are different, and many of us have quirks and idiosyncrasies.  After all, these differences make the world go round.  Having the ability to accept people for who they are and not expect them to be who we want them to be is important in life, happiness and in the health of our relationships.
3. Genuineness: Having the ability to be real, authentic and honest is unique in a world where we put so much emphasis on the superficial.  Feeling comfortable in one’s skin and being true to one’s self is one of the most beautiful traits one can possess.  To have a REAL relationship with someone requires honesty…it requires hearing and giving input or feedback that may not always be popular…it means having the strength to tell it like it is and to not be afraid to face the consequences for doing so…it means loving people for who they really are…deep down…and not for what they appear to be.
4. Sensitivity: So often we are focused on what is important to ourselves that we can forget about those around us.  Those who are sensitive are often thoughtful, appreciative and loving, in a way that makes you feel understood, valued and respected.  Often, sensitive people are also self-aware, making them mindful of how they impact others with what they do and say.
5. Integrity: Call me cynical, but I think this characteristic is especially difficult to find.  In a time when people will do things that are underhanded to make an extra buck (Bernie Madoff…can you hear me?), expose their personal lives to the public so they can be famous (balloon boy’s dad and any other reality TV mongers) and do what feels good in the moment without necessarily thinking of the consequences (Tiger Woods), integrity is a characteristic that is especially unique today.
6. Humility: Whether someone is super-smart, extremely talented or drop-dead gorgeous, there is something extra special about them if they don’t come across as though they know it all the time.  Humility in those that possess extraordinary traits make others feel special too.

Oh boy the list could go on!  What characteristics do you admire in others?  Are there any that you want to cultivate?

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As much as we strive for healthy relationships, we inevitably encounter individuals who are bullies, toxic or just plain manipulative. Some of these people KNOW what they are doing, but often, most “just don’t get it:”  They have little-to-no self-awareness and feel that they are fully entitled or appropriate in their behavior.  And what’s worse is that they frequently get away with it because others don’t stand up to them.  This enables boundary breakers and convinces them that their behavior is acceptable.  Here’s a news flash: It ISN’T.

The best thing you can do is firmly establish boundaries.  You’ll feel better about yourself and your relationship.  Further, you won’t have to succumb to their inappropriate behavior over and over again:

1. Know Who You Are Dealing with: The first step in this process is to identify those individuals who don’t respect your boundaries.  Doing so will keep you on the look-out for times that boundaries need to be reinforced or put into place.
2. Tune-in: Start paying attention to how these people typically break boundaries.  Some questions to ask: Are they pushy?  Do they ask questions you feel uncomfortable answering?  Do they discuss things with you that are inappropriate?  Do they disregard your wishes or needs?  Do they always prioritize their needs before yours?
3. Trust Your Gut: If you aren’t sure as to whether or not a boundary is being broken, stop thinking and start feeling.  Does something feel awkward, uncomfortable or wrong?  Can you feel an adrenaline rush, but aren’t sure why?  Do you feel nauseous during the discussion?  At times, our guts have better listening skills than our ears.  If you can feel a visceral reaction to the conversation at hand, you can be pretty sure that something isn’t right.
4. Think First, Speak Second: Once you realize boundaries are being broken, think about how you want to react.  Reacting without thinking through your position and what you want as an outcome can lead to an unresolved situation, potential “room for discussion” or more broken boundaries down the line.
5. State Your Position: Tell the person who is breaking a boundary that they are indeed breaking a boundary.  Sugar-coating it…hemming and hawing…playing nice…politely saying no…often doesn’t work with people who perpetually break boundaries.  Unfortunately, many of these boundary breakers don’t have a clue as to the fact that they are crossing a line.  The more obvious you can be, the better.
6. Don’t Back Down: If the person continues to push you on a topic, tell them the topic “isn’t up for discussion.”  The more you stand your ground, the less likely the person will continue to try to push you on things in the future.  No means no.  Inappropriate is inappropriate.  And, boundaries are boundaries.

The more you set boundaries, the easier it will get. Do you have boundary breakers in your life?  How do you handle the situation?

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Why do we call distasteful past experiences “baggage?”  Because most of us carry it around…everywhere we go.  And, even though we attempt to pack it up neatly, inevitably it gets carried around so much, that the wear and tear it takes makes it especially distasteful.  Yet, it is still a part of us that somehow, we can’t get rid of.

Although most of our “baggage” is far from humorous, it is easy to find the humor in the analogy.  Granted, the order in which we experience the following during travel may not be accurate, but the concepts sure do ring true!

1. Check Your Bags: Do you want to carry your “baggage” with you wherever you go?  Or, would you rather check it, so that you can be free from it until you need it?

• Real Life Takeaway: If you know or accept that you have “baggage,” decide what you’d like to do about it.  Some of our “baggage” will stay with us for the rest of our lives, but, more likely than not, we can work through a lot of it so that we only have to deal with it when we need to.

2. Baggage Claim: Leaving your “baggage” at baggage claim makes travel difficult.   After all, you can’t travel without your bags!

• Real Life Takeaway: Sure, we may not like our less-than-perfect past.  But denying that it exists or pretending it isn’t part of our make-up, only causes it to resurface in very distasteful ways.  Instead, acknowledge that the “baggage” in your life exists and accept that it has a role in making you who you are.  Embrace how it has molded you and come to terms with the fact that, whether you like it or not, it is part of you.

3. Baggage Carousel: If you don’t pick your baggage up from the carousel, it will continue to go round and round…and you will never leave the airport.

• Real Life Takeaway: If you ignore your “baggage,” it will always be there and you will be going in circles throughout life.  Further, you will never progress into new terrain!  Take your “baggage” off the carousel so that you can move onto better things.

4. Baggage Handlers: When your “baggage” is too big and cumbersome, it is especially helpful to have a professional “baggage” handler help you.

• Real Life Takeaway: Consider counseling for especially difficult to handle situations or personal history.  Psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists and social workers are all professionals who can help you work through the hardships and unhealthy aspects of your past.

5. Baggage Screening: Although your “baggage” may be sealed up tight, people will still be able to see that there is stuff inside.

• Real Life Takeaway: Although people may not always know what your “baggage” is, they still can tell it is there.  Being self-aware and acknowledging your issues will make it much easier to help others understand you and where you are coming from.

6. Lost Baggage: When you lose “baggage,” inevitably you will get it back.

• Real Life Takeaway: Unfortunately, as you go through life, you may find people who have a knack for helping old habits resurface.  This can lead to toxic relationships or worse, history repeating itself.  If possible, don’t let old “baggage,” even disguised as new, come back over and over again.

6. Keep Your Baggage Unique: If you choose “baggage” that looks like everyone else’s, you will find it difficult to find your own.

• Real Life Takeaway: It is really easy to find other people who suffer from the same “baggage.”  After all, you can relate to one another.  However, it can also keep you stuck in the same ruts and behaviors, never breaking free from your past.  Look for people who can help you cultivate healthier habits while letting go of those that aren’t.

Are you handling your “baggage?”

That being said, many people aren’t self-aware or aren’t self-aware ALL of the time.  Maybe it is someone at the gym who thinks that all of the equipment is his or her very own and doesn’t like to share.  Or, maybe it is a family member who believes that they are always right and that the rest of the world is wrong.  Or, maybe you work with a colleague who just doesn’t have any sense of how they bully others.  Some of these people can produce continual toxicity in our lives, while others may cause only a momentary frustration.  Whoever or whatever the case may be, these people are among us.

But why is self-awareness so important?  It makes us better people.  Here’s why:

1. Empathy. Having the ability to see when we are wrong or when we have made a mistake allows us to see other peoples’ perspectives and to be empathetic to their situation or their feelings.
2. Admission. Have you noticed when people aren’t self-aware, it is very difficult for them to apologize or admit that they are wrong?  Often, these people can’t even SEE that they are wrong in the first place.  They tend to think that they are always right and if something doesn’t work out as planned, it is always someone else’s fault.
3. Man in the Mirror. If we can acknowledge our flaws, we can make positive change to improve upon them.  Knowing is half the battle…and if you can admit to the qualities that are less than stellar about yourself…you can change them or improve upon them.
4. Tolerance. When you can see your own faults, it is easier to accept others’.
5. Humility. Understanding that we ourselves are not perfect allows us to get off our high-horses.  Further, know we can always be better and as a result, can be thankful for the good that does come our way.
6. Likability. Let’s face it:  No one likes a know-it-all or an individual who thinks they are always right.  Having the ability to see other peoples viewpoints, to be open and flexible, and acknowledge that you are not the only person who has the answer makes you a more attractive person.

So how self-aware are you?  Here are a few questions to ask:

1. Do you listen to others during a conversation?  Or, do you tend to do a lot of the talking?
2. Do you ask others how they feel about situations?  Or, do you make assumptions based on your own feelings?
3. Do you think about how your actions affect others?  Or, are you confident that others are fine with how you handle situations?
4. Are you aware of other people’s social cues?  Or, do you mostly focus on your own?
5. Can you admit when you are wrong, and have apologized when you are?  Or, do you tend to think that things are wrong or go bad because of others?

If you answered yes to most of the first questions in each pair, you are most-likely self-aware.  If you answered yes to most of the second questions in each pair, you probably could afford to tune into other people’s reactions and do some inner reflecting.

Self awareness gives you the ability to be open, thoughtful and aware of how you impact others.  It is one of the best and most valuable qualities you can have!  Do you think you are self-aware?  Have you met others who aren’t?  How did they make you feel?

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